Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Flakey Friend

This is horrible and I know the two people that need to will read this but I've very rarely  been a flake in my life!  I have gone above and beyond in my pajamas, work out clothes, work clothes any attire to just be there!  Well I've become a flake in the past month!  I lost my super hero power of being in more than one place at one time/making legitimate believable excuses that justify being an hour late and getting away with it!  I ask for no forgiveness just understanding while I work through this.  I just can't be in more than a place or two/(read "slash") situation or two in one day anymore.  It takes me more than a car ride to get my game face on and get my mind right.  So as I grow up please throw me a bone or two as I learn about overcommitting.  Mt. Pleasant isn't 10 minutes from James Island and your emotions can't jump from family to fairly forgotten friends in the length of a river.  Getting there girls, just a growing pain and I'm sorry that you are feeling the growth!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Weight of the Matter

I was a gluttonous girl this weekend in all sense of the word.  I literally ate and slept, it was needed, I have no guilt but my choices this weekend only served to highlight the seriousness of my little brother's (he's a fake little brother, not blood just a sweet bond) starvation.  Now, everyone in my world knows that I love good food.  I like to cook good food, eat good food, buy good food, read about good food, dream about good food, discover good food - it's one of the finer things in my life.  These extra twenty pounds were worth the twenty dollars I spent on good food, until I go bathing suit shopping of course and then there's twenty other excuses why I just can't control these extra curves. 

My little brother has been starving himself for three days to make weight for wrestling.  How sick is that.  Now I am no good at the starvation thing to begin with but there is a serious problem with this.  There are adults in his world encouraging him to starve himself so that he can participate in a sporting event.  This is as heinous to me as girls starving themselves to fit into clothes that are made in 36 sizes, not that I'm encouraging obesity.  He won't eat anything, he won't drink water, he is depressed and hardly talks.  This logic may be as demented as adults shaping young teens minds by instilling in them that athletics is more important than their health BUT considering the barbaric nature of wrestling, as a coach, wouldn't you want your players or minions or whatever the boys in monkey suits are called in that satanic sport to be well-rested and full of energy and strength during their match?  Or maybe they make them starve themselves to reach a weight that is medically noted as severe so that the boys are demonically pissed off and foaming at the mouth when they get in the ring?  Either way, I refuse to support Z in this sport due to the weight of the matter at hand in addition to the fact that I think their suits are utterly unsuitable for anyone to wear!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Russian Spy

So my boy roommate claims that I am a Russian spy, IF ONLY I could be so covert. According to him, I have 15 names and call everyone my family to cover up my true identity. This accusation from my roommate follows a conversation I had with one of my students and her cousin last weekend. The girls were in my car while I ran into the house to get my keys. When I got back into the car, one of the girls said, "Quoia, tell her! Tell her!" My dog was sitting between them in the car, I was really nervous because sometimes when he sits his lipstick pops out. I was mentally preparing for them to tell me about my dog but the following conversation occurred:

Quoia: "Miss Garner, you is white?"
Me: "What do you think?"
Quoia: "Nope!"

The funniest part to me is that I spend 8 hours a day with Quoia and I now see boy roommate nearly everyday, to the people that I physically see most regularly I am a black Russian spy, but don't worry, your secrets are safe with me!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Going Grinch

So I'm making another post. I have a good one about the boy roommate but I'm going with this one because we were talking about blogs tonight at a holiday party.

I have determined that nice doesn't really get you that far in life. I am the nice one. I've been the nice girl my whole life. In seventh grade, all of the boys loved me but just as the nice girl. One boy, who I should probably punch in the face the next time I see him - if I ever do, told me on more than one occasion that I was ugly but that I was nice and therefore a favorite. In high school and college, the boys told me that I was so nice and sweet that they wanted to marry me but not date me. So there's the boy situation and then there were the girls. In Bible study the girls would want to sit next to me because I was the nice one who would actually write the little, jazzed up "I'm praying for you, here's a legit verse" note and give it to them in the courtyard between classes. The ones who weren't laying all of their life burdens at the foot of the cross openly were laying them at the foot of the cross via ME's telephone calls at all hours of the night and day. They got comfort and love and I got nightmares during what little sleep I got - that is a negative equation, right?

So, here's where nice has gotten me after college. I have six extra keys to houses that I do not habitate (I think I just made a word up) but thankfully some of them are colorful so we'll just call my keys a permanent accessory. I am a first year teacher so after years of sending sursies for no reason, remembering birthdays and investing (not buying) into every Hallmark created holiday on the calendar I am now eating the guilt for being a forgetful and unattentive friend. And then came the holidays... four tacky Christmas sweater parties in two weeks is excessive even for the people who start listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving (a mortal American sin in my book). So now I am popping in and out of houses, homes, and habitats all over Charleston County in the jankiest, jolly sweater my two first grade friends and I could find. I spent $20.00 on it but I have to wear it four times, that's getting your money's worth right?

So I think I'm going grinch, I'm not spreading my nice so thin anymore. Watch out world, ME's going from tossing out nice nuggets to stashing them like a squirrel for cold, rainy days so if you see me with chipmunk cheeks don't make me laugh you might end up covered in NICE!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Co-ed co-habitation

In my new house on the sweet island of Johns just south of Charleston, I live with Susan, a 4th grade teacher at one of the private schools downtown and Jay, an electrical contractor. I don't mind living with a boy, he's very nice and agreeable and of course, he can fix things - ah-mazing! We chat and say hello and he says that if I need for him to do something, like clean the bathroom, all I have to do is ask! My poor husband, my roommate is going to spoil me! So life is grand with the boy roommate UNTIL I had to go to the bathroom - like you know THE bathroom! I know that everyone does it and it's a life function and yada but I don't really think I want this kind of stranger that I have to see everyday to know that I have to do that and furthermore, WHEN I am doing that. EEK!

So I tried to cover it up, which probably made it worse but it made me feel better. It wouldn't really be an issue except for his door is right next to my door which is right next to the bathroom door so we know when the other person is in there and for how long. In my effort to cover this up, I washed my and teeth twice and put my hair up - now he probably thinks I am a priss. I don't know which is worse!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Deep Breaths

I am back in the lowcountry after quite the month of sweating life out. My best friend/sister from another mother likes to laugh about how the state of affairs in my life is so drawn out. I am not one of those people that gets to pray for something and it is immediately revealed nor am I the person that can make a plan and have it play out exactly how I planned. The Lord likes to make me sweat it out literally down to the minute.

I say deep breaths because I had to take a lot of them over the course of settling down. I am technically back home but not so much I have found my sweet place in SC it reminds me so of Oxford. I drive over the bridge to work everyday and the landscape takes my breath away and I ask myself, "What did I do to deserve to behold this beauty everyday?" I have always loved the lowcountry and they say that once you have the sand in your shoes you will never leave and thus I have returned. I am a lowcountry girl at heart, my life is going to ebb and flow like the tides there are going to be ups and downs for me forever. I will never have the perfect life here, that I have come to believe will only happen when I am with my Maker and all of those that I love. My heart is forever going to be missing something or someone but that is what makes me so alive! I can honestly say that I have lived and loved - I don't think I've met my one true love but I have loved and been loved by many and despite my anxiety and concerns I know that wherever I go I will be loved!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Chicago Shenanigans

I want to apologize for not writing for so long but I think that this is just going to be the life of this blog! So over a month ago now, eeeeeeek!!!!!!!, I went to Chicago. I didn't get the "I want to move here make a life here" feeling but I got the "I would love to come here for business trips," ah hem I am likely going to be a teacher which means that I will probably never go on "business trips" but maybe who knows with the current state of affairs in my life!



My thought to share about my trip that was overwhelmingly pervasive because of many things was how do people perceive each other and what determines what people think of us? Kind of deep I know but here's how it all played out...



1. Visit to the Art Institute. I'm not a huge museum person without a tour because I want to know what I'm looking at. This came about when I went to Europe and everything was stunning and beautiful but I got bored- all of you art enthusiasts don't gasp or judge! because I felt like I was looking at one scantily clad cherubim after another and there are only so many portraits I can pause for. I took an art history course later in the same summer and was totally bummed I was a day late on this one, after that course I understood the intricate details of color palette and stroke technique and why people painted and sculpted and drew the things they did when they did. Back to Chicago, my friend Sarah is from a suburb of Chicago, two of her childhood friends have close ties to the Art Institute, one is a student there and the other was a project manager for the construction of the new wing. I got an art and architecture tour, ah-mazing! The new wing is architecturally clean cut and simple upon first glance but what most don't see is the dramatic detail seamed through the beams, floorboards, walls, and windows. Every seam in the floorboard is directly aligned with every joint, beam, window, door, wall, banister. That detail was what was most thrilling to me though the use of natural light and other elements were equally as admirable. The craftsmanship and precision involved in the construction of that building are unmatched by any on its scale and thousands of people walk through daily with no notice of this aspect of artistry housed in the museum.

This was the kicker that really made me think, in all of our art classes we saw Georgia O'Keefe's flower. The flower print is everywhere, it is what the world knows her as but that is not all of her work. There is so much more that she has produced that is beautiful and worth admiring but all we know her as is this one huge rendition of a bright colored flower.

So my thoughts are how sad that she is so much more than one picture, she is thousands but somehow the world only really knows and/or recognizes her for one look. But is it the way of the world to brand people and things in this way and are we as people guilty of accepting this one view?

Crap that was so Oprah-esque, fitting being that I was in Chicago thinking this. But on a last note, I'm not a hater but I'm not a lover of Chicago pizza...

Friday, April 2, 2010

March Madness - the ME way

So sorry it has literally been months-ish since I have updated but I was depressing myself those last few blogs and figured it was better to keep my negative juju off of the viral internet so as not infect anyone else. But the sun is shining, the temperature is climbing, the skies are blue, the flowers are blooming and I need a super-woman cape to keep up with myself but I feel like it's time to write!

February- we'll call my only child month. Didn't really want to talk to/see/interact with anyone. Seasonal depression, post-holiday healing, or really just needing some space. I have come to realize that I haven't really changed my core habits all that much since I was a child. I am still very social, take on more than I can handle then take a break and then take on a different set of more than I can handle, make time for anyone and everyone that needs it or that I think needs it (learning the difference on these two!), and my need for space.

When I was younger everyone thought that I had it all together, that I loved life and wore jeans and a t-shirt with a ponytail all of the time because I just loved that look - not so! I was able to keep it all together on the outside in public because I could go home and fall apart and no one would know (only child of a single parent!). Sure I ranted and complained about life like most teenagers but I typically put a smile on and found words to speak that made it seem like I believed it was all going to work out! I wore t-shirts and jeans for two reasons 1. I wasn't lavished with shopping trips and those things were cheap and 2. if I got attention from someone I really didn't know what to do with it and always convinced myself that if they saw through it my cover would be blown. There was no way that I could let them into my messy world and have them find out that the girl that held everyone else together was a wreck herself. So I hid behind careless clothes because I didn't know what to do with myself, just everyone else (jokes on me!). I stayed active and involved but I always knew so much more about everyone else than anyone knew about me and this kept me safe too.

Ha - enter roommates, you can't hide from 6 multiplied to 8 so I learned to cry in front of people and share my true thoughts - the good, the bad, the ugly, the ignorant, the hillarious you name it I spewed it my filter flew off somewhere on I-26 and never got replaced. I was abundantly educated on the ways of the world in those two years of patio/porch sitting. I learned about true friendships and vulnerability and all of those fabulous things that come from finally living in a family-ish setup. God bless those lovely Carolina girls for many reasons but what a hell of a two years that was! We all had our skeletons come tumbling out of the closet at one point or another. Mine was that I didn't have it all together, that I was eaten up with anxiety and panic disorders, and that I had no clue about how the hell to survive in this big world much less how to help someone else get through it! SO I went from one extreme to another from nobody knowing anything to people knowing everything! I don't recommend it, for those of you that become mothers/fathers I know that our's did the best they could but when it's your turn to be a parent do better than your best, your children will need it - put the time in so you can save your children the time of figuring it all out on their own or with the help of a very expensive counselor or learning the wrong way from the wrong people who prey on vulnerable, young people! REMIND me to read this entry when I become a parent!

So now I'm balancing it out or trying to. I'm still going to care too much about people who may or may not want me too. I'm going to give what I can, when I can whether it's time or money or clothes or a ride or tutoring or whatever need presents itself. I'll probably continue the cycle of taking on way too much at one time and falling apart internally and sometimes externally because there are only so many hours in a day and I have no concept of time and then I'll put myself back together and take on a whole new set of way too much! I won't wear makeup and do my hair everyday because I would rather do something else with that time and really I know he's out there but I still haven't convinced myself that I need to be dressed to meet him every single time I leave my house - ok not even half the time I leave my house but I'm working on it, that may be next year's New Year's resolution - I hope I won't be dried up by 25! But I'm learning to ask for help and to be honest to myself and others about what I can do and can't do. I'm learning to tell people that sometimes I just have no clue and that I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I've learned to tell people that I love them and have the words mean so much that I don't have to do anything else to show my love. I'm running and trying to eat right and not smoke and not drink coke and all of the things that will help me be a more physically beautiful me. I'm learning to replace doubt with faith and confusion with certainty. I'm learning to honor the past for what it was while recognizing it for what it is... the PAST!

Unfortunately with all of this growing into myself, there are just some baby fat rolls and a little baby budha belly that I just can't kick. I can be critical and this can be hurtful to myself and others. I can be judgemental, sometimes this comes from insecurity and sometimes it comes from a solid understanding of certain aspects of this life and the way we all live it. I have really high expectations of the people in my life because of how deeply I care and love them and because I want the rest of the world to see them as I do, in the most blessed light of unconditional love but that doesn't mean that they need to meet them or that I can't love them or have them in my life if they don't. Somtimes my insecurities and lack of confidence wear me down into an emptiness that just needs to be brought back into fullness. Sometimes the hurt caused by others and the decisions of others that affect my life directly and indirectly render me sad and even heartbroken.

With those roaring cats out of the bag, sometimes it's just best if I take some only child time and save the world from exposure to my ultraviolet negative characteristics so that my ultraviolet positive ones can radiate even stronger when they're out!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Horoscopes are not just for the Heathens, apparently!

Lots of negative juju on the blog lately but the sun is shining and I'm starting to get my luster back. I am not an astrologist or a practicer of anything religious to do with astrology, I love Jesus and His dad and all that goes with them but when I was in Hawaii a few, crap I keep forgetting how old I really am, more than a few years ago I met a lot of very spiritual people. Many of these people weren't believers in organized religion, some had grown up in church buildings and others claimed Mother Earth as their All-Mighty. I don't get the planets in the houses and how they spin around each other this way and that to make us happy or sad or prosperous or poor and all of that interconnectedness but I am going to tell you my horoscope app on my phone has been right on, in a strange way.



After my "Are the gray clouds the silver lining" post this is what the universe had to tell me via my 3G connection: self-loathing and negativity are not becoming, your power Virgo is bringing joy into a room, overcome this gray foggy funk of yours in the coming days, and start by smiling.

After my "Shadows are a Beep" post, my 3G spiritual memo was: You may be in an argument with someone very close to you in your life. The argument is about something of great importance to you but in this case it may be best to leave this alone as it is not likely that good will come from pushing this at this point.

These are just two examples that y'all will recognize. The majority of the others are just as right on as those two. So now I am intrigued by this app that was downloaded to serve as simple entertainment, who writes these things and how the hell do they know my life so well? And then I think, there are millions of Virgos in the world, I wonder how their lives are related to the posts, am I really not alone as I try to muddle through the mess?

Now somedays, no matter how hard I try I can't relate my life to these astro messages, but still I'm left to wonder about the others that are so accurate...

Friday, February 19, 2010

Shadows are a Beep!

The season of Lent is upon us. My devoutly Catholic mother let her fears get the best of her on Wednesday as she guiltlessly tried to shamelessly suggest that I go to the Catholic church on Ash Wednesday instead of my church where "surely a church like that won't put ashes on your forehead and what's the meaning of this day if you don't receive ashes." In true Catholic matriarch fashion, when I told her that I did get ashes she sighed and shreaked, "YOU DID! and on the exhale - "thank you Father," followed by, "Well y'all are starting to figure it out." Just a glimpse of what I deal with on a daily basis in the land of crazy, Southern, Catholic, single mother, only childedness! If you have any suggestions on how to deal with women like this in a respectful manner slip a note in the box!

When she asked what I was giving up for a Lent, a question that with women like this you really can't get around because if you tell them it's none of their business they passively agressively pretend like they don't care and really didn't want to know they were just asking because they wanted to be supportive to make you feel guilty instead of making them feel disrespectful OR they throw the "I am your mother and you should be able to tell me" card (when she pulls that I typically make something up like I'm checking myself into rehab for an addiction to herbal vitamins or that I'm going to stop practicing making babies every night with random guys I meet at the bar - normally that at least gets her distracted enough to change the subject easily or end the conversation altogether).

I tell her because for the most (or the better part of the most) part I don't lie to her anymore, white lies here and there to avoid the comments and criticisms and scathing questions and accusations when I really just can't take it but I truthfully don't have much of anything to hide, believe it or not momma, I am a truly decent human being even though I go to church in a bar! It wouldn't matter if I was a nun in a habit she would still be over-righteously opinionated over anything and everything I said or did. Does it still hurt my feelings and drive me crazy, yes, but I have come to learn that she's not going to change and that the best thing I can do is to keep living my life and build myself up so that her words can't make me crumble... and I keep my distance, some days 11 hours isn't far enough. On Tuesday night she told me that she realized that I had already been raised and that I didn't need to be judged for my decisions anymore and on Wednesday she was telling me that she raised me better than to stray from the religious beliefs that were the only truth and that one day I would come back to the church, do you see who the conductor on this crazy train is! Hence the title of the blog, "Muddling in the Miss" it really should be "Muddling through the mess"!

At Ash Wednesday service where I did receive ashes, my pastor spoke about how We can change circumstances, but only God can change our hearts. This resonated in my life so clearly. I can change states and I can change from everything familiar to nothing familiar and I can change schools and make new friends and drive a different (note: not new, I love you Pearl but not nearly as much as I'm going to love my first brand new car!) car and get a new job but changing all of this doesn't change my momma and doesn't change my relationship with her and doesn't take away the hurt and doesn't make the love fade. Shadows are a bitch! So during this season I'm praying for a change of heart, one that is strong and confident, pure and positive, joyful and determined, and respectful yet resolute.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Are the gray clouds the silver lining?

First of all, Mom J, so proud of you for figuring out how to become a follower... of me of course!



Second of all I'm going to try to be funny and light hearted in this but it's probably not going to work, I think I have seasonal depression tendencies/in my life game of over-under I am definitely under this week. After last semester I did the life audit: What are you doing and why are you doing it and will all of it really matter in the end? I had to do this. I was having no less than 14 hour days, waking up at 4:45 in the morning (yes friends from home, you are reading this correctly that is AM) to work out because I am softer around the more edges that I have now thanks to life a few days a week and getting out of class/meetings no earlier than 9:30 three nights a week = Hot Mess!

I just looked at the title of this again after three hours, how horrible and that first paragraph too. And then I just looked down at my toes and the pants on fire red color that's on them and thought about the dousing my pants got when I went to get this pedicure. I'll tell you that story instead of droning on about how I'm in a funk - the gist of that is I'm really busy but I'm busy because I don't have much to come home too. Let's face it I'm ready for him to kiss me in the tree and to make some babies for the carriage but I don't have that yet so I guess I'm trying to stay busy until I do (that's all I can come up with for today).

Ok so last semester was hellatious! I am living on my own for the first time! Love it more than a roommate but wouldn't mind a mister to take up some space and scare the monsters out of my closets for me at night. Living on my own meant no more shopping, pedicures, sursies for me or for others hardly even Christmas - sorry I still love y'all. I did really well considering my pre-Mississippi habits. I spent a total of $300.00 on clothes for seven months. $250.00 of that was at one time BUT I got a pair of pumps and five dresses, not bad if I do say so myself!

Let's get down to it - no pedicures. I see a concerning trend in my life and the realization came from this pedicure situation: the older I am getting the less money I am making, isn't it supposed to be the more education you have the more money you make, I'm still waiting to see the payoff from my two degree investments, ask me again after June how I feel about it when I hopefully have a legit job! I used to get pedicures no less than once a month with a color change and a mini pedi every other week, this could be considered high maintenance but let's be serious when you can afford the small luxuries in life don't deny yourself!

I had one pedicure in the year 2009. I decided to reward myself for my 4.0 and making it out alive after fall semester with a pedicure (ahem, student loan money came in in January, I'm really bad at lying, that had something to do with it too). So I leave work early one afternoon instead of staying late, change into a cozy polo and my fat jeans so that I can truly relax while enjoying this long lost luxury. Go to the pedicure place, along with every other ethnic person within 100 miles of Lafayette County. As I'm walking up, I see that there are alot of people in the store, no big deal I don't buy trashy magazines but I love to read them and typically indulge in them while getting my nails and hair done, I can ignore the crowd while I fill my head with meaningless gossip and glitz and glam. I walk in, make a bee-line for the magazine table, NO TRASHY MAGS! Are you freaking kidding me I read these while I'm being beautified so for a fleeting moment I can think, "Well I kind of look like her!" and mean it! This should have been tip off number one, when I went to the car to get my school book - wahmp wahmp - I should have just kept on going but in my frenzy to fulfill my foot fetishes my impatience got the best of me and I went back in.

Color in hand I sit down, book open in my lap, feet in bubble bath, I start to drift off to my happy place. Life is good today until the Vietnamese man starts speaking coherent English. The most ethnic place in town and I get the English speaker! Seriously! I love my pedicure lady at home, she takes care of my feet and my food, she does the morning shift at the grocery store right next door so when I am in a hurry she opens up a register for me and on my way out she says, "I see you at two for your toes!" While in her chair, she would tell me she liked my toe color and that the boys would too - maybe that's what's missing in the Miss????, and how nice my feet were, not like some of her other clients that made her hands hurt from scrubbing - I mean I'll take a beauty complement even if it is about my uncalloused feet any day. I LOVED her, she let me read my trashy mags, probably because I didn't understand Vietnamese and she didn't understand much English beyond the niceties of pedicures and the Piggly Wiggly but we had a fabulous relationship.

This guy reminded me of the dental hygenist that tries to carry on a conversation with you while cleaning your teeth, as I'm reading he's asking me about what I'm reading. I think he wanted to show off his English skills because he kept going. I wanted to teach him some social skills and how to pick up on conversation cues... I gave as many one worded, closed ended responses as I could without blatantly telling him to shut it. At one point, I even closed my eyes and pretended to fade off, he didn't take the hint, he made me change feet when I knew that he should scrub before it went back into the water! So as I let him regale me with his English skills, because being talked at isn't bad enough, the owner comes and sits next to me with a computer. He can't speak English but with what little words he does know asks me to proofread his flier for the Vietnamese New Year celebration they're putting together in Jackson, really? Happy f-ing New Year to me, I may as well have stayed at work, translating that bulletin was about as difficult as teaching a kid to read without books (you can do it, but damn it's a pain)! I really think I should've gotten a free pedicure for the services I PROVIDED!

Here's to you, 4.0, you still won't let it go but it's not over yet I will come out on top with the best celebration pedicure a girl can get!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Over Under

My life is just that, a game of over under. Some days I'm on top of it and others I'm buried beneath it, I'm starting to get whiplash I think. But I've learned and am slowly coming to accept that it really isn't a destination. There's no way to get everything in order and keep it that way, the balance is in finding order in the constant conundrum of life.

My house is not going to be spotless even if I do my dishes everyday and hang my towels up - I am never going to be good at unpacking after a trip, I'm not going to have more than enough money at this point in my life even if I do save a little from every paycheck - I make 900.00 a month and the rest is borrowed, I'm still going to be lonely at times even though I've surrounded myself with genuine people... and the list goes on. I moved eleven hours away from home, from a blessed world full of people and life because I sought a quiet life and space to grow on my own but my heart sometimes aches for that life and those people and yet I know that it won't be my home again for a while, if ever - and now I'm thinking it's time for a city.

My horoscope yesterday was:
A small feat you accomplish today could evolve into a much bigger achievement down the road. You may have felt recently that you can't tackle the big stuff because the little stuff keeps getting in the way, but actually you are covering a lot of ground just doing what you're doing now. You sometimes tend to feel as though you have to make big, sweeping changes in order to show progress. But progress is any forward movement. If you stop focusing on how many inches forward you moved, you will soon look back and realize just how far you've come. (Thank you new droid phone app!)

So now as I look back on my year in Mississippi and on my other courageous jumps in life, I'm left to wonder, I've come this far but where am I going?

The funny part is that I wish I could have been happy at home, in Charleston teaching first grade for the rest of my life, married with babies next door to the friends that I grew up with. My whole life I've wanted nothing more than to be simple and stick with the norms and despite that I've never been able to. So for all of you at home, I know it sounds crazy, but it's not in my hands or I'd be there with you now but know that wherever I am I love you and miss you!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Vacation Vocabulary

I am making the blog a priority in my life because well because I like it and I have found that it's just as satisfying for me to chronicle my life as it is for me to attempt to share with the ones I love and possibly some other randoms. Making it a priority is important because otherwise I wouldn't do it and my life is a touch ADHD, I have been in a different place between 5 states every weekend since November 1st. I'm starting to think that it's not ok, in my mind I'm in the settling mood but unfortunately my life doesn't reflect it - another blog for another day.



Pre-Denver I went to Vail (technically Edwards) to visit one of those grown-up-together-life friends that we all have, though I have found that South Carolinians, in particular, cling to theirs like a guilty habit - yet another blog for another day. As I am packing for Vail, Oxford gets a respite from the 10 degree, bonechilling, get under your skin and settle in cold - a few forty degree days. Despite the fact that I know I am going to one of the most beautiful places in the world I couldn't get excited about going somewhere colder than the quasi-Artic I was currently functioning in. My brain could not wrap itself around freezing though while in Vail freezing did wrap itself around my brain - you do not have to drink a slushee ridiculously fast to get a brain freeze, in fact you can get one without drinking anything at all. You must be doing something fast (ie: drinking, skiing, tumbling) with the element of cold temperature involved (slushee, Vail) and that is all, I got one flying down the face of a mountain in Beaver Creek.



Get to Vail, meet friends of life friend, eat sushi, go for drinks, get up the next morning go to Vail to ski. We pull up to a house, jump out, walk 100 hundred yards, put our skis on, and ski. There is something exceedingly luxurious about not having to huff and puff and then shuttle in a smelly bus and then climb stadium stairs and then bustle through a lodge heated to sauna temperatures to get to the slopes of a mountain, I know all of my east coast friends can commiserate we all did the annual church youth group ski trip to West Virginia and North Carolina - here's to you MLKjr. and all of you dead Presidents high five from the mountain thanks for being born so we could have enough time to drive to ski for two days! So we ski let me share with you the vocabulary needed to ski with true Colorado skiers:



shreddin' the gnar: skiing your ass off and looking like the hot X-game guys while doing so

pow-pow: fresh snow; a delicacy in those parts of the world

dumping: snow is falling really hard

puking: snow is falling so hard your visibility is nothing beyond 50 feet

apre- adult beverages after skiing (akin to pulling the boat up to the bar after you've been out all day)

skooch leg- an oversized muscular thigh from not changing feet in your snowboard

I shredded the gnar in the powpow for sure! I learned alot of life lessons and had some self-realizations.

We did Vail Mountain the first day, apparently the holy grail of mountains in the area. There were tons of people, at first it was dumping snow and then it was puking. I made it to the end of the day without falling. Then a mound of pow pow took me down. I realized I was falling and as I went down I was thinking ok brace yourself for pain you are going to eat snow and your body is going to crash into a hard mountain while you're going 30 mph - This is going to hurt. But it didn't hurt, until the next day. Falling in fresh pow pow actually feels like bouncing on a cloud. No pain you just bounce from soft snow patch to soft snow patch until your momentum fades and then you eat snow.
Self-realization from Vail Mountain 1: I am severely claustrophobic. If no part of my body is exposed I am going to freak out. Too many clothes and no breathing room is a no go in my life. I mean this in no way negatively towards Vail but give me a bathing suit and sundress with some airflow any day over the kid from the Christmas story get up! So as I am shreddin' the gnar down the mountain my face starts getting cold from the snow that is puking on me... logical move: use your neck warmer to cover your entire face... reality: panic attack as I'm going down the face of the mountain - can't breathe, trees are closing in, resisting the urge to rip my clothes off because my skin is crawling... quick fix to panic attack: expose my nose and nothing else - true story that's all it took. "I'm just a summer girl, I wear my flip flops..."

Self-realization from Vail Mountain 2: I am an adrenaline junky. Ledge after ledge, run after run, I wanted more. More of that feeling of soaring, of here goes nothing, of I hope to hell I make it down on my skis and not on my ass- there's a strong possibility that it's going to be my ass but what the hell here goes nothing, I'm only on this earth once. I pushed it and pushed it until of course I couldn't mind over matter the cold and my happy spot of skiing behind a boat didn't warm me up anymore!

Sunday was Beaver Creek. I preferred Beaver Creek over Vail minus the beginning stages of frostbite that my nose experienced. Beaver Creek was smaller, not nearly as crowded and the runs were a good mixture between Sunday stroll and shreddin' the gnar. I skied all three mountains at Beaver Creek twice. There is something infinitely serene about snow on the branches of evergreens and I was able to soak up the solitude by myself on many of these runs. I had the best guide, Dan, he would go ahead of me wait for me and then give me a conditions report of what was ahead! He never once seemed frustrated that I was always a good five minutes behind him and seemed to genuinely enjoy showing me a place he loved so much! Love him and I am so grateful that he shared that day with me!

Life lesson learned during weekend: You can be alive in the cold. You don't have to hibernate. People do function. You can have fun, you can be active, and you can live a full life. I know these thoughts seem basic and simple but sometimes simple isn't easy and in my case cold is simple but not easy. As I face the future it is good for me to know that, to know that if my next stop is up north or out west that I don't have to become a hermit and live a life of wintery solitude waiting for the sun's warmth.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Loews Knows

Sorry it's taken so long for me to post the rest of my trip but there truly hasn't been a spare moment. I am now in New Orleans at CC's, love their coffee and I am going to attempt to finish (Saturday, January 30). Didn't get to finish in New Orleans in my office (Monday, February 1). Didn't get to finish in my office on Monday, in class (Wednesday, February 3).







The Loews Hotel in Denver KNOWS how to make a garbled graduate student feel like a purposeful, put-together person! At my check-in the lady behind the desk says, "Give me a minute, let me upgrade you to the mountain view." I thought I misunderstood her but for once my face didn't belie me and I think I was so stunned that my mouth wouldn't move because my mind was and it was thinking, "Are you looking at the right screen because I'm only paying $99.00 for this get-up and I'm pretty sure the mountain view comes at a higher price than the discounted room rate I got because I was inadvertantly visiting the University of Denver." So up I go to the tenth floor mountain view room, which I can now definitely say should come at a higher price than $99.00. It was like nothing I have seen before. The city is sprawled out below but my room is just high enough so that the starting-to-age strip malls are not picked up by my peripheral vision and then there are mountains. Denver is a very strange city in that way. On one side there are miles and miles of flat lands and the buildings look like someone dropped them out of the sky and then you turn your head and there are the mountains that we sing about in "America the Beautiful."

On top of the mountain view upgrade, they shuttle you EVERYWHERE, for free. I understand the necessity of a driver when you're in a strange place, on a tight schedule, or when you've had too much to drink, even a special occasion. (Admission of truth: I always snubbed those who had drivers on a daily basis. My thoughts were this: "Do something to help someone with the money that you're spending to do something that you can totally do yourself but think is beneath you.") Harsh, I know! With every harsh assumption there is a harsher reality... To all of the wealthy and moderately wealthy people who have drivers on a daily basis, I am sorry for judging you and even thinking less of you because you have more and choose to have a driver with the extra more that you have. I don't understand the having enough more to have a driver but after my stay at the Loews I realize that my snubbing you is in all reality a previously unrecognized mask of envy. Please accept my apology and if you have an extra seat in your luxury execucar and you are ever in the Oxford area please know that I will gladly accept an invitation to accompany you, wherever you may be going.

But I do have an etiquette question: If the shuttle/limo service is provided by the hotel, are you supposed to tip the driver? I was constantly feeling the need to go to the atm and retrieve huge sums of cash to give to these nice men-boys that were making me feel like a million dollars, dropping them a twenty was the least I could do for them in my mind!


I am envious of these people for many reasons, the first being that they never have to park. No 16 point turns in their lives or 'I think I can make it if I turn my wheel hard and pray' moments or I better back up and try again that's a Mercedes next to me not a hoopedy wagon. No cursing the guy who got their license without passing the parallel parking task or the parking between the lines task for that matter (it's kind of like coloring between the lines, you need to have that mastered before you move onto markers, with driving, you should be able to park between the lines before leaving the driveway and moving onto Wal-Mart parking lots). Not only do they not have to park, they don't have to park and WALK - ever! Not in the rain, the snow (a new, seemingly regular phenomenon in my quazi Southern life), not when they just need to grab something or drop something off. And lastly they never get lost or make a wrong turn, for those of you who know ME that is reason enough. I am unfortunately one of those people who knows the true difference between getting lost and making wrong turns because I spend alot of time getting lost and turning around. But don't they say that life's about the journey...


One of the places that my chauffeurs dropped me off was Cherry Park maybe Creek I can never remember. It was a Towne Center on steroids and with a touch more sophistication not our beach bum version of an outdoor mall. Since being in Mississippi I have come to realize that yes, Charleston is in a bubble but Oxford my friends is under a rock. I can't explain to you the joy and comfort that just seeing these stores brings to my life now. I don't even need to buy anything, the comfort lies in knowing that it is less than an hour (typically more because of wrong turns and missed directions) away and that if I need or want something I can not only try it on but return it or sleep on it and buy it the next day. It is ridiculous! I am a consumer and a firm believer in retail therapy though that has changed drastically while living in Oxford. Unfortunately I think it's due to the fact that we have little more than Wal-Mart, a handful of overpriced boutiques with the same clothes, and Belk in our quaint town. I am like a homeless person who has just won the lottery when I get into these places for the first time after a few month hiatus. I don't even know what to do with myself. For the first half hour I just walk around gawking like I've never seen new clothes before. It's kind of embarassing. Total overstimulation, I have to do mental exercises just to get my mind right and focused on the task at hand which unfortunately is to NOT spend money like an OC housewife with a black AmEx. I have come to learn how to shop in these places now:

1. Allow for 30 minutes to adjust to the new surroundings

2. Get your bearings and make a route

3. Do the skim of the store - make a loop, try on, and peace out - If it didn't catch your eye the first time you're not going to like it on your body

4. Give yourself a time limit. There is only so much self-control one can have in these situations. Two hours is my limit before I start impulse buying. Thankfully Anthropologie didn't have a queen size in the new bedding that I fell in love with, I really hate checking bags now that you have to pay to do so!

Safari for supper

Denver is delectible. I was here for 24 hours and ate some of the best food (clarify: meat) I've ever had in one sitting. I ate at the Buckhorn Exchange. It is the oldest restaurant in Colorado, established in 1893. It holds the first liquor license ever authorized in the state. There is so much history within those walls, Teddy Roosevelt left his official American flag that he flew while travelling by train across the nation, JFK's fishing license is on the wall as well as a portrait museum of other political figures, national and international dignitaries, and celebrities that chronicles history. In addition to this it should also be considered a museum of taxodermy. When I can figure out how, I will put up pictures. Every inch of space not covered by a photo or other piece of memorabilia is covered with dead animals. The second largest elk in the world, jackalopes, a unicorn all sorts of scientific, super-natural specimens. The restaurant is so revered in the world of taxodermy that the Guiness Book of World Records sent it a whale's penis that was longer than me. It didn't look like much and I wouldn't have recognized it as such without the waitress identifying it but once I had that in my head...

I ate like a travel channel food taster! I love game fowl and poultry and have eaten quite a bit of it but this was truly a safari! The first stop on the safari was Tibet. Tibetan yak with garlic butter. Now, I don't think the yak was actually flown in from Tibet though I wish it was that would make the experience much more exotic but nonetheless it was so tasty I didn't want to waste time yakking with the waitress- I wanted to eat. It was very tender and did not have a very gamey flavor. This is also significant in my world because my dear friend Jen has a nickname related to this animal. Over the years we have researched yak noises, made yak jokes, and inserted the word yak into any appropriate or inappropriate word or phrase possible - example: "yak meat," a boy that Jen would like. So as I am eating I am laughing out loud at the table in the corner of the restaurant - by myself - but in my mind thinking Jen totally understands the comedic nature of this event. Inserting people into situations is a common occurrance in my life these days, it is much like playing with my childhood imaginary friend was - it gets you by but it doesn't beat having them there with you!

Stop two was somewhere, Africa or Australia maybe, I don't know where ostriches really come from though I do know that there are ostrich farms in the US - are they native to the US though? I didn't care for the ostrich. Though it was cooked medium rare it was very tough - could this be from sticking its head into the sand all of the time and not really knowing what's going on with the rest of its exposed body? That is my only hypothesis...

Stop three could really be anywhere in the US but this was quite possibly my favorite! Quail in a prickly pear and apricot glaze. Most of you know that I think my momma, aunts, and other close friends/relatives are by far some of the best cooks in the world. There is absolutely no comparison in my mind to a homecooked meal from South Carolina, this quail took me home. It was absolutely one of the best things I have ever put in my mouth! The sauce was a perfect compliment though I had to push the thought of "prickly" pear out of my mind while eating. Why does our mind do that to us? There was nothing prickly about the sauce, not in the taste or the texture though I kept thinking I was going to take a bite and get a splinter in my mouth. Truthfully, I do know why our mind does that to us but I will refrain from an educational pshyology babble session for the moment so we can move onto the wild, wild west!

Stop four in my head: The wagon trail, a teepee, a musket, a bow and arrow, and I think an endangered species these days. Buffalo, by far the best taste of red meat I have ever consumed. It was flavorful and tender and truly memorable because of its epicurean qualities (whereas the yak was good but I will likely only remember it because it was a yak and who eats yak really?). You could taste the plains. I know I sound like I'm exaggerating but if you truly want a food experience that is transcendental in nature, eat buffalo at Buckhorn Exchange you will immediately go back to your elementary school Oregon Trail days!

It is back to the Miss now! I will write more this week about my trip to CO, I just had to tell you about my safari while it was fresh! Love you mean it!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Bottoms Up!

So it is day 1 after yoga. I am sore but not in the yoga-appropriate places. the truth is my entire mid-section is in pain. I made it through yoga without falling yesterday BUT the day before I did not make it through the flower bed in my heels...
I have a horrible habit of trying to use my time wisely, meaning that if I have 20 minutes before I have to be somewhere and it only takes 5 to get there I would rather use that other 15 minutes to accomplish something as opposed to getting to my destination early and sitting there for 15 minutes. This is why I am perpetually late (insight into my life). So it is Wednesday at 11:36, I am on the square in Oxford dropping something off before I have to be at the Carrier House to meet the Chancellor's wife for lunch at noon. For those of you not familiar with Oxford, you can get anywhere in 5 minutes, 10 during heavy get out of class times, and 20 on game weekends. I basically have to cross campus to get to Carrier House from where I am on the square. So I think to myself I have 24 minutes before I have to be there that is plenty of time for me to drop something off at the Graduate House (located in the middle of campus). Get to the Graduate House, park, make delivery, moving at a rapid pace back to my car because I realize class just got out and it's lunch time and I have to go by the fraternity houses to get to my final destination which is like playing chicken with frat boy clones. So I think to myself you CANNOT be late to meet the Chancellor's wife take the shortcut... The shortcut is the flower bed that is sad looking because it's been frozen and snowed over and the day before drenched by a thunderstorm. I don't feel bad about cutting through the flower bed because there are no flowers in it - I may as well have walked into pluffmudd. I am in heels so I am doing the ballerina run where you bounce over the ground on your toes without letting your heels touch. So not only am I walking in heels in the dirt but I'm bouncing over mud so even my toes start to sink in the saturated ground so I pick up the pace. Up ahead I see the chain fence that is there to keep people like me from hurting ourselves and saving the flowers. I am too far in to turn around now so I prepare to hurdle the two foot chain. First foot over in midair, second foot caught on chain, realization that I am going to fall and fall hard partly on the pavement. I tucked my face no damage there but from shoulder to knee I was covered in wet dirt and flower bed muck. My ribs caught the curb and I belly flopped both feet caught on the chain. So I laid there for a second and then thought okay you have to laugh at yourself but when I tried I couldn't because I couldn't breathe so I laid there for another second - mind you this is during class change. When I caught my breath I picked myself and poured into my car dirt and all.

I made it to lunch on time, clean though that took a little bit of spit shining but now my entire middle hurts. My inner hypochondriac says go to the doctor you could have jarred something loose inside and be internally bleeding but my logical mind says you live in Mississippi, every time you go to the doctor they don't really know what is wrong with you they just give you a cocktail of a shot and somehow you're cured within hours. So I came to Vail, CO not being able to sit for long stretches of time, laugh really hard, or cough - look out mountains here I come skiing down and hopefully not rolling down!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dear Deep Breather

Dear Deep Breather... Is it appropriate to pass notes during yoga class because if I would've had a pencil and paper today, I would have? Yoga, for those of us who are not coordinated or centered, requires concentration. A concentration that is focused on not laughing during yoga. Deep breather, you are like the mosquito in the room at night when the rest of the house is silent and the whir of the fans is calming but all you can hear is the buzz of the tiny flying pest that causes one to lay awake until they must turn the light on and find the bug because sleep is so close yet unattainable due to the inconsistent yet pervasive hum in the room. So I made it through the beginning of yoga WITHOUT laughing even when I was told to stabilize my sitting bones and was awkwardly close to the boy's feet (I saw his toe lent-close, just to clarify) in front of me when I swan dove into my mat (doesn't sound very zen-ful actually a bit suicidal but I am alive to tell you about it). I reached the point of concentration and focus. I saluted the sun on the left side, aye aye sun and went to do it on my right side when all of a sudden as I'm windmilling, you can imagine the necessity of concentration needed by me to windmill, my attention is diverted mid-twist and my arm falls. Now I am disappointed I have done every pose without having to take a break and go into child's pose up to this point in the class - thank you deep breather. The room was packed, at capacity, turning people away from the class full and amongst this many people I can hear deep breather. So now my concentration is in and out and all I can think about for the rest of the class is when am I going to hear the next breath, prepare yourself for the next deep breath so that you don't laugh out loud. But all of you will be proud I did every pose and the teacher never had to come correct me! The laugh out loud finally came during "Happy Baby" though. It should be titled "Hello Hoo-ha" not "Happy Baby"! Steps to getting into the "Happy Baby/Hello Hoo-ha" pose:

1. Lay on your back
2. Put your feet in the air
3. Grab your ankles
4. Bend your knees to your chest while holding your ankles
5. Roll around

Really, I didn't think I was going to Karma-Sutra yoga but apparently it's appropriate to salute the sun and say hello to the hoo-ha all in one class period!