The season of Lent is upon us. My devoutly Catholic mother let her fears get the best of her on Wednesday as she guiltlessly tried to shamelessly suggest that I go to the Catholic church on Ash Wednesday instead of my church where "surely a church like that won't put ashes on your forehead and what's the meaning of this day if you don't receive ashes." In true Catholic matriarch fashion, when I told her that I did get ashes she sighed and shreaked, "YOU DID! and on the exhale - "thank you Father," followed by, "Well y'all are starting to figure it out." Just a glimpse of what I deal with on a daily basis in the land of crazy, Southern, Catholic, single mother, only childedness! If you have any suggestions on how to deal with women like this in a respectful manner slip a note in the box!
When she asked what I was giving up for a Lent, a question that with women like this you really can't get around because if you tell them it's none of their business they passively agressively pretend like they don't care and really didn't want to know they were just asking because they wanted to be supportive to make you feel guilty instead of making them feel disrespectful OR they throw the "I am your mother and you should be able to tell me" card (when she pulls that I typically make something up like I'm checking myself into rehab for an addiction to herbal vitamins or that I'm going to stop practicing making babies every night with random guys I meet at the bar - normally that at least gets her distracted enough to change the subject easily or end the conversation altogether).
I tell her because for the most (or the better part of the most) part I don't lie to her anymore, white lies here and there to avoid the comments and criticisms and scathing questions and accusations when I really just can't take it but I truthfully don't have much of anything to hide, believe it or not momma, I am a truly decent human being even though I go to church in a bar! It wouldn't matter if I was a nun in a habit she would still be over-righteously opinionated over anything and everything I said or did. Does it still hurt my feelings and drive me crazy, yes, but I have come to learn that she's not going to change and that the best thing I can do is to keep living my life and build myself up so that her words can't make me crumble... and I keep my distance, some days 11 hours isn't far enough. On Tuesday night she told me that she realized that I had already been raised and that I didn't need to be judged for my decisions anymore and on Wednesday she was telling me that she raised me better than to stray from the religious beliefs that were the only truth and that one day I would come back to the church, do you see who the conductor on this crazy train is! Hence the title of the blog, "Muddling in the Miss" it really should be "Muddling through the mess"!
At Ash Wednesday service where I did receive ashes, my pastor spoke about how We can change circumstances, but only God can change our hearts. This resonated in my life so clearly. I can change states and I can change from everything familiar to nothing familiar and I can change schools and make new friends and drive a different (note: not new, I love you Pearl but not nearly as much as I'm going to love my first brand new car!) car and get a new job but changing all of this doesn't change my momma and doesn't change my relationship with her and doesn't take away the hurt and doesn't make the love fade. Shadows are a bitch! So during this season I'm praying for a change of heart, one that is strong and confident, pure and positive, joyful and determined, and respectful yet resolute.
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