So sorry it has literally been months-ish since I have updated but I was depressing myself those last few blogs and figured it was better to keep my negative juju off of the viral internet so as not infect anyone else. But the sun is shining, the temperature is climbing, the skies are blue, the flowers are blooming and I need a super-woman cape to keep up with myself but I feel like it's time to write!
February- we'll call my only child month. Didn't really want to talk to/see/interact with anyone. Seasonal depression, post-holiday healing, or really just needing some space. I have come to realize that I haven't really changed my core habits all that much since I was a child. I am still very social, take on more than I can handle then take a break and then take on a different set of more than I can handle, make time for anyone and everyone that needs it or that I think needs it (learning the difference on these two!), and my need for space.
When I was younger everyone thought that I had it all together, that I loved life and wore jeans and a t-shirt with a ponytail all of the time because I just loved that look - not so! I was able to keep it all together on the outside in public because I could go home and fall apart and no one would know (only child of a single parent!). Sure I ranted and complained about life like most teenagers but I typically put a smile on and found words to speak that made it seem like I believed it was all going to work out! I wore t-shirts and jeans for two reasons 1. I wasn't lavished with shopping trips and those things were cheap and 2. if I got attention from someone I really didn't know what to do with it and always convinced myself that if they saw through it my cover would be blown. There was no way that I could let them into my messy world and have them find out that the girl that held everyone else together was a wreck herself. So I hid behind careless clothes because I didn't know what to do with myself, just everyone else (jokes on me!). I stayed active and involved but I always knew so much more about everyone else than anyone knew about me and this kept me safe too.
Ha - enter roommates, you can't hide from 6 multiplied to 8 so I learned to cry in front of people and share my true thoughts - the good, the bad, the ugly, the ignorant, the hillarious you name it I spewed it my filter flew off somewhere on I-26 and never got replaced. I was abundantly educated on the ways of the world in those two years of patio/porch sitting. I learned about true friendships and vulnerability and all of those fabulous things that come from finally living in a family-ish setup. God bless those lovely Carolina girls for many reasons but what a hell of a two years that was! We all had our skeletons come tumbling out of the closet at one point or another. Mine was that I didn't have it all together, that I was eaten up with anxiety and panic disorders, and that I had no clue about how the hell to survive in this big world much less how to help someone else get through it! SO I went from one extreme to another from nobody knowing anything to people knowing everything! I don't recommend it, for those of you that become mothers/fathers I know that our's did the best they could but when it's your turn to be a parent do better than your best, your children will need it - put the time in so you can save your children the time of figuring it all out on their own or with the help of a very expensive counselor or learning the wrong way from the wrong people who prey on vulnerable, young people! REMIND me to read this entry when I become a parent!
So now I'm balancing it out or trying to. I'm still going to care too much about people who may or may not want me too. I'm going to give what I can, when I can whether it's time or money or clothes or a ride or tutoring or whatever need presents itself. I'll probably continue the cycle of taking on way too much at one time and falling apart internally and sometimes externally because there are only so many hours in a day and I have no concept of time and then I'll put myself back together and take on a whole new set of way too much! I won't wear makeup and do my hair everyday because I would rather do something else with that time and really I know he's out there but I still haven't convinced myself that I need to be dressed to meet him every single time I leave my house - ok not even half the time I leave my house but I'm working on it, that may be next year's New Year's resolution - I hope I won't be dried up by 25! But I'm learning to ask for help and to be honest to myself and others about what I can do and can't do. I'm learning to tell people that sometimes I just have no clue and that I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I've learned to tell people that I love them and have the words mean so much that I don't have to do anything else to show my love. I'm running and trying to eat right and not smoke and not drink coke and all of the things that will help me be a more physically beautiful me. I'm learning to replace doubt with faith and confusion with certainty. I'm learning to honor the past for what it was while recognizing it for what it is... the PAST!
Unfortunately with all of this growing into myself, there are just some baby fat rolls and a little baby budha belly that I just can't kick. I can be critical and this can be hurtful to myself and others. I can be judgemental, sometimes this comes from insecurity and sometimes it comes from a solid understanding of certain aspects of this life and the way we all live it. I have really high expectations of the people in my life because of how deeply I care and love them and because I want the rest of the world to see them as I do, in the most blessed light of unconditional love but that doesn't mean that they need to meet them or that I can't love them or have them in my life if they don't. Somtimes my insecurities and lack of confidence wear me down into an emptiness that just needs to be brought back into fullness. Sometimes the hurt caused by others and the decisions of others that affect my life directly and indirectly render me sad and even heartbroken.
With those roaring cats out of the bag, sometimes it's just best if I take some only child time and save the world from exposure to my ultraviolet negative characteristics so that my ultraviolet positive ones can radiate even stronger when they're out!
