So I know that I should be content and enjoy the single life and that this is a time of preparation and the whole host of other comments everyone who is happily a double offers to you with the big dollop of sympathy head tilt. I am definitely not coming at this post from the perspective that marriage is a fairytale, though two years ago or maybe less I was still waiting on my Disney caricature to ride in or walk in and forever change my life with the pinging star bouncing off of his side front tooth when he smiled. Thankfully and sometimes unnecessarily and not so welcomed-ly, my married friends of all ages have given me backstage passes to their real-life dramas. Maybe that's why I'm still single and just getting comfortable using the word committment in the same sentence as my name in the very recent past. I couldn't even sleep in my own house that I paid for for longer than a week or two until about nine months ago, I may or may not have committment issues on all levels but I have admitted that I have a problem and I am willing to stay the course to work it out or maybe the pinging star off the front tooth in the pearly white smile will leave me star struck and completely situated after love at first look.
We are going to leave the serious husband talk to the t-totalers for a minute and get to the heart of the matter. I apparently give off the perception to those that I come across and don't know super intimately that I am a very put-together person. On the days that I take my medis, I can find myself agreeing with them in moments of focused, prioritized, completion of my day and then there's all the other times. Like when I wear a white dress with black underwear to work or the fact that I have to live in a very safe neighborhood because if I take my purse out of my car I won't remember to put it back in there and I typically forget to lock the car doors or roll the windows up, my keys can 99% of the time be found in the front door (is it breaking and entering when the keys are in the front door?) So here are my thoughts, I have a good brain. It is smart and capable and very skilled in many areas but it clearly needs a double for all of the mindless reasons that two are better than one.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
List of 10 #92
10 places you'd like to go in the winter
1. the Swiss Alps
2. New York City at Christmas
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
1. the Swiss Alps
2. New York City at Christmas
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
List of 10 #81
10 things you do for at least 20 minutes a day.
1. drive
2. sleep
3. chat with people to procrastinate
4. worry about money
5. hit the snooze button
6. listen to Price scratch and lick himself
7. Quiet time before bed - lately
8. talk about school/students
9. read
10. try to figure out what I should do/was doing/am doing
1. drive
2. sleep
3. chat with people to procrastinate
4. worry about money
5. hit the snooze button
6. listen to Price scratch and lick himself
7. Quiet time before bed - lately
8. talk about school/students
9. read
10. try to figure out what I should do/was doing/am doing
List of 10 #94
List 10 of your habits
1. Change into cozy clothes as soon as I get home.
2. Do laundry and never put it away.
3. Use the same route to drive places.
4. Peanut butter first, jelly second.
5. Speak to everyone on the hall on the way to my room/office.
6. Call back before listening to voicemail.
7. Buy newly engaged friends their first gift with their new initial.
8. Turn the TV before I go to sleep.
9. Hug my students first thing in the morning.
10. Say "Love you" when I hange up the phone.
1. Change into cozy clothes as soon as I get home.
2. Do laundry and never put it away.
3. Use the same route to drive places.
4. Peanut butter first, jelly second.
5. Speak to everyone on the hall on the way to my room/office.
6. Call back before listening to voicemail.
7. Buy newly engaged friends their first gift with their new initial.
8. Turn the TV before I go to sleep.
9. Hug my students first thing in the morning.
10. Say "Love you" when I hange up the phone.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Blackbusters
I have a true confession. I love a good "blackbuster" no joke, true story. For years and years I prayed about finding peace and forgiveness with someone close to my heart that made a horrible decision that radically changed my life. But no matter how much I begged for the peace that comes with forgiveness, I couldn't seem to find it. A few years ago I was watching "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" a scene in the kitchen had me rolling laughing.
Momma: I learned a long time ago, God can take better care of folks far better than you can.
Granny: God take too long sometime I need em to get got right then.
Momma: That's why I don't worry about folks, they can't make me happy and they can't make me sad. What the pastor say?
Granny: You know I don't know, I be tryin to read the bible or go to church or something and look down at that New Testimony and saw Jesus you know the one in red and say aww no I can't be reading all that, Jesus be talkin too much for me to be readin all that
Momma: Peace be still, that's what he said.
Granny: Well you know what peace always be still around me cause I keeps a piece u steel by me. As long as you got a piece u steel around you, you gon have peace. Load your steel, thank you Jesus.
Here's the real part I learned - above is just funny
Granny: He is 8 feet under
Momma: six feet under that's where they bury folks, six feet
Granny: that's what I'm trying to tell you, I saw him that casket, I got mad all over again and beat him down two more feet.
You think you over something, you think you really ready to get on with your life, this is how you find out if you really over something: if you have the opportunity to get even with someone who did you wrong and you don't take it, you over it but if you do you ain't over it.
Ok this is the message that made me understand the importance of forgiveness:
Momma: You got to forgive him no matter what he does you got to forgive him. Not for him but for you. When somebody hurts you, they take power over you, you don't forgive him, they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.
So I got a little carried away getting the blackbuster lines down and having to write the apology just gave me another excuse to write blackbuster because let's be serious, that's a solid pun.
But both grannny and momma spoke truth. They will likely have different meanings of truth for you but at the heart of learning about forgiveness they are truthful. If you want to beat a dead man down to eight feet under - that's a pretty accurate litmus (spelling and meaning actually) test - they have some serious power over your heart and your mind. Can you really get revenge on a dead person - and if you can, would it really be a fair fight, they have no place to go but down, according to the granny in the blackbuster that guy had two more feet to go. I can't say that I wouldn't get him when I had the chance, apparently he hit her. There are going to be relationships and situations in life that will have longterm effects and aftershocks but the strength of the quake can be reduced through forgiveness. I heard this saying that made forgiveness make sense "Love, not time, heals all things. Love for yourself, experiencing the love of another, and loving someone else or something else are all acts that lead the heart to forgiveness. So I have learned in times of hurt to seek love so that those things that cause us to lose our hearts and minds don't take control and take us the plus two.
Momma: I learned a long time ago, God can take better care of folks far better than you can.
Granny: God take too long sometime I need em to get got right then.
Momma: That's why I don't worry about folks, they can't make me happy and they can't make me sad. What the pastor say?
Granny: You know I don't know, I be tryin to read the bible or go to church or something and look down at that New Testimony and saw Jesus you know the one in red and say aww no I can't be reading all that, Jesus be talkin too much for me to be readin all that
Momma: Peace be still, that's what he said.
Granny: Well you know what peace always be still around me cause I keeps a piece u steel by me. As long as you got a piece u steel around you, you gon have peace. Load your steel, thank you Jesus.
Here's the real part I learned - above is just funny
Granny: He is 8 feet under
Momma: six feet under that's where they bury folks, six feet
Granny: that's what I'm trying to tell you, I saw him that casket, I got mad all over again and beat him down two more feet.
You think you over something, you think you really ready to get on with your life, this is how you find out if you really over something: if you have the opportunity to get even with someone who did you wrong and you don't take it, you over it but if you do you ain't over it.
Ok this is the message that made me understand the importance of forgiveness:
Momma: You got to forgive him no matter what he does you got to forgive him. Not for him but for you. When somebody hurts you, they take power over you, you don't forgive him, they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.
So I got a little carried away getting the blackbuster lines down and having to write the apology just gave me another excuse to write blackbuster because let's be serious, that's a solid pun.
But both grannny and momma spoke truth. They will likely have different meanings of truth for you but at the heart of learning about forgiveness they are truthful. If you want to beat a dead man down to eight feet under - that's a pretty accurate litmus (spelling and meaning actually) test - they have some serious power over your heart and your mind. Can you really get revenge on a dead person - and if you can, would it really be a fair fight, they have no place to go but down, according to the granny in the blackbuster that guy had two more feet to go. I can't say that I wouldn't get him when I had the chance, apparently he hit her. There are going to be relationships and situations in life that will have longterm effects and aftershocks but the strength of the quake can be reduced through forgiveness. I heard this saying that made forgiveness make sense "Love, not time, heals all things. Love for yourself, experiencing the love of another, and loving someone else or something else are all acts that lead the heart to forgiveness. So I have learned in times of hurt to seek love so that those things that cause us to lose our hearts and minds don't take control and take us the plus two.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Experience Amazing
I have replaced facebook with blogs, kind of. I am simply stunned at how out of the know I am without facebook and how many people have texted or called because they have tried to contact me on facebook and can't get me. I need to visit a friend for blog 101. I am not very savvy. Still don't know how to link or post pics etc. but I am ready to learn. In looking at some other blogs I saw a girl who had a link for happy lists. Every so often it seems she makes a list of things that makes her extremely happy. I haven't ditched my joy journey I have just let it sit for a bit to see what direction it goes and how it's going to require me to travel...
Last week, I spent some time on my alma mater's website! Hotty Toddy and Go Rebs! While I was at OleMiss, the university began re-creating their image. Over the past five years OleMiss has been stripped of all identifying factors excluding red and blue, "the rebels", and allowed being called "OleMiss." Their marketing slogan was coined and my was it obnoxiously slapped on any and all university materials BUT as an alum on a joy journey, it rang true. What a thought to experience amazing each day.
Dictionary.com amazing: causing great surprise or sudden wonder.
UrbanDictionary.com amazing: something that is so wonderful it is hard to find the words to match. Something that makes your heart beat faster or your heart melt. Something that tops everything else and always crosses your mind.
concordance for NIV online amazed is used multiple times in the gospels to describe the people's reaction to Jesus
So I think I will hijack the happy list idea and start thinking about the times or things in my life that I have experienced amazing.
1. summers on the Black River, catching catfish with PaPa, MaMa's breakfasts, being behind the boat from sun-up to sun-down
2. fireflies in Oxford at dusk
3. cards from the Carolina girls when I moved home
4. rocking babies to sleep especially naps with HG
5. seeing the sunset on a bridge in Charleston
6. dancing at the weddings of some of the ones I love most
7. 4th of July parades on Pawley's
8. the night the Ravenel Bridge opened in Charleston Harbor
9. cooking with the aunts for holidays
10. gumbo nights
11. the first day of rolling your windows down in the car even if you have to turn the heat on
12. Rock the Bus year 2
13. the strength of a friend who moved home to take care of her momma and put her life on hold
14. the ability of a mother to care for her baby through cancer and still be a present and loving friend
15. my Notebook fleeting romance
16. Sunday brunch
17. a good book, a rainy day, grandmother's quilt, momma's living room floor - all at once
18. red beans and rice when you're sick
19. butter pecan ice cream when you come home from college
20. porch parties with the Carolina girls
21. McFly Family suppers
22. the Eiffel Tower sparkling at midnight
23. jumping off of a waterfall in Hawaii
24. the smile of a child when they believe in themselves because you loved them
25. the power of a woman who still respects her country and the call of duty that took the man she loved
26. friends that became family and opened their hearts and homes to me
27. catching a fish
28. the dream of a home with open doors, a crowded table, and happy hearts
29. the excitement of the possibilities one life has to offer in this world
30. receiving puzzle pieces that put together the past and bring perspective to the present
Experience amazing...
Last week, I spent some time on my alma mater's website! Hotty Toddy and Go Rebs! While I was at OleMiss, the university began re-creating their image. Over the past five years OleMiss has been stripped of all identifying factors excluding red and blue, "the rebels", and allowed being called "OleMiss." Their marketing slogan was coined and my was it obnoxiously slapped on any and all university materials BUT as an alum on a joy journey, it rang true. What a thought to experience amazing each day.
Dictionary.com amazing: causing great surprise or sudden wonder.
UrbanDictionary.com amazing: something that is so wonderful it is hard to find the words to match. Something that makes your heart beat faster or your heart melt. Something that tops everything else and always crosses your mind.
concordance for NIV online amazed is used multiple times in the gospels to describe the people's reaction to Jesus
So I think I will hijack the happy list idea and start thinking about the times or things in my life that I have experienced amazing.
1. summers on the Black River, catching catfish with PaPa, MaMa's breakfasts, being behind the boat from sun-up to sun-down
2. fireflies in Oxford at dusk
3. cards from the Carolina girls when I moved home
4. rocking babies to sleep especially naps with HG
5. seeing the sunset on a bridge in Charleston
6. dancing at the weddings of some of the ones I love most
7. 4th of July parades on Pawley's
8. the night the Ravenel Bridge opened in Charleston Harbor
9. cooking with the aunts for holidays
10. gumbo nights
11. the first day of rolling your windows down in the car even if you have to turn the heat on
12. Rock the Bus year 2
13. the strength of a friend who moved home to take care of her momma and put her life on hold
14. the ability of a mother to care for her baby through cancer and still be a present and loving friend
15. my Notebook fleeting romance
16. Sunday brunch
17. a good book, a rainy day, grandmother's quilt, momma's living room floor - all at once
18. red beans and rice when you're sick
19. butter pecan ice cream when you come home from college
20. porch parties with the Carolina girls
21. McFly Family suppers
22. the Eiffel Tower sparkling at midnight
23. jumping off of a waterfall in Hawaii
24. the smile of a child when they believe in themselves because you loved them
25. the power of a woman who still respects her country and the call of duty that took the man she loved
26. friends that became family and opened their hearts and homes to me
27. catching a fish
28. the dream of a home with open doors, a crowded table, and happy hearts
29. the excitement of the possibilities one life has to offer in this world
30. receiving puzzle pieces that put together the past and bring perspective to the present
Experience amazing...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Need to Know Basis
This is so cliche but I gave up facebook for Lent. I know that there is tons of media surrounding the social networking site right now but I think it's necessary. I did it last year too but not to this extent. Last year, I just said that I wouldn't check it and that I could have an hour a day on Sundays. I gave it up last year because one of those jack-in-the-box x-bf's that I notoriously have (I see a pattern of questionable behavior on my part, at 25 at least I recognize it - isn't that the first step to recovery or redirection at least?) popped back into my world for a short stint. We were catching up after at least a year of not seeing/talking on a regular basis and we both realized how much we knew about each other that we really shouldn't since we hadn't talked in so long. So it challenged me to consider how linked in Facebook was to my everyday life. This year it is deeper I am challenged by priorities, by where I am in life and how my discipline or lack thereof has/will influence where I am going. So as I learn the skill of discipline and hopefully start to become a confident grown person, I am challenged by how engrossed I am in this need-to-know culture of personal lives as entertainment, leisure and relaxation. And how much access I have to things that hurt me or that I could use to hurt others through misusing shared information. Now, I'm not saying that Facebook is the devil's tool or that it doesn't have its merit but just like any other possible antagonist it needs moderation, boundaries, and limitations. I sincerely miss the ease of sharing memories or a quick note to spread sunshine but I don't miss the thought that Facebook has made it easy to be lonely in the world, that it has given a forum for vulnerability that may not be appropriate, and that like janky reality tv, I sometimes turn to facebook to look at others' lives to take my personal spotlight off of my own.
So I deactivated...
I found a book of stamps in my wallet and I've been sending some emails, I favorited some blogs to keep me connected and give me an outlet for relationships. I'm going with the need to know basis approach this Lenten season - not that Y'ALL really needed to know all of this!
So I deactivated...
I found a book of stamps in my wallet and I've been sending some emails, I favorited some blogs to keep me connected and give me an outlet for relationships. I'm going with the need to know basis approach this Lenten season - not that Y'ALL really needed to know all of this!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"The Choice is Yours!"
Ugh, I think it needs to be played to the Price is Right music every morning that I hear it! I teach first grade as you all know and every morning after some good inspirational, often ethnic, music and the national anthem have played our principal comes over the loud speaker, leads us in the pledge of allegiance, the school pledge and then drops a little piece of something into our worlds that is supposed to help us start our day off enthused, inspired, and challenged - no lie most mornings my outlook is O crap, I am completely winging this and in our moment of silence I am sending the big guy upstairs the loudest silent SOS a first year, frazzled teacher girllady can signal! After his Rev Run speech he always ends with, "Have a good day or bad, the choice is yours."
Last year, I finished grad school and began the job hunt. I was a nervous mess on an emotional roller coaster filled with high points of hope and dips of rejection. Literally at the last minute I got offered a job that I didn't think I wanted but was what I accepted as the perfect fit for me at the time. I woke up ready to go to work, face the day, and love these babies - as the year has progressed, I realize that this is not the idealistic grown up world that I so eagerly sought and that my job is yes meaningful to many but also demoralizing, disheartening, and in some moments degrading. After going through the job search last year and my future being in the hands of others, I came to a place of the Lord will provide - it was never a question of faith for me but it was not a peaceful faith - and I will have to figure out how to rest peacefully in His care. That was what was so unnerving about the job finding process, my whole life - where I lived, what I did each day, what I wore, who was in my life was left to the choice of others! As a believer we know that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason and every other cliche bible beating bandwagon believer quote that everyone uses when they are really looking at you and saying, "Damn, I'm glad that's you and not me!" But hold the line, when it really comes down to it and there really is nothing under my control - believing it and living it couldn't be more difficult.
So I say to you Mr. Principal, unfortunately, there are many choices that are not ours - including whether or not I am a teacher next year - but the choice that is ours is whether or not we walk by a faith that produces the fruits of the spirit throughout our journey of life and the seasons that we pass through.
I am yet again as a professional with what they say are exceptional performance records, a Bachelors degree, a Masters degree and certificate who isn't actually going to get to decide my professional placement in the coming year. It is going to be left up to men and women who don't know my name, have never seen my face, and who have wildly misconstrued ideas of my professional responsibilities as one of their employees to determine my professional place in life but this go round I am going to do my best to relish in the fact that I don't have to choose, that I have the opportunity to be released from a professional situation that has emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and personally threatened to compromise the beauty that was blooming in my life without guilt, without regret, and without strife.
So I say to you Mr. and Mrs. Schoolboard Member: "The Choice is Yours!" and to you Lord, "May you be ever present in the coming days to bring peace, to bring joy, and to bring wisdom to a situation that is tumultuous, heartbreaking, and befuddling."
Last year, I finished grad school and began the job hunt. I was a nervous mess on an emotional roller coaster filled with high points of hope and dips of rejection. Literally at the last minute I got offered a job that I didn't think I wanted but was what I accepted as the perfect fit for me at the time. I woke up ready to go to work, face the day, and love these babies - as the year has progressed, I realize that this is not the idealistic grown up world that I so eagerly sought and that my job is yes meaningful to many but also demoralizing, disheartening, and in some moments degrading. After going through the job search last year and my future being in the hands of others, I came to a place of the Lord will provide - it was never a question of faith for me but it was not a peaceful faith - and I will have to figure out how to rest peacefully in His care. That was what was so unnerving about the job finding process, my whole life - where I lived, what I did each day, what I wore, who was in my life was left to the choice of others! As a believer we know that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason and every other cliche bible beating bandwagon believer quote that everyone uses when they are really looking at you and saying, "Damn, I'm glad that's you and not me!" But hold the line, when it really comes down to it and there really is nothing under my control - believing it and living it couldn't be more difficult.
So I say to you Mr. Principal, unfortunately, there are many choices that are not ours - including whether or not I am a teacher next year - but the choice that is ours is whether or not we walk by a faith that produces the fruits of the spirit throughout our journey of life and the seasons that we pass through.
I am yet again as a professional with what they say are exceptional performance records, a Bachelors degree, a Masters degree and certificate who isn't actually going to get to decide my professional placement in the coming year. It is going to be left up to men and women who don't know my name, have never seen my face, and who have wildly misconstrued ideas of my professional responsibilities as one of their employees to determine my professional place in life but this go round I am going to do my best to relish in the fact that I don't have to choose, that I have the opportunity to be released from a professional situation that has emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and personally threatened to compromise the beauty that was blooming in my life without guilt, without regret, and without strife.
So I say to you Mr. and Mrs. Schoolboard Member: "The Choice is Yours!" and to you Lord, "May you be ever present in the coming days to bring peace, to bring joy, and to bring wisdom to a situation that is tumultuous, heartbreaking, and befuddling."
Monday, March 7, 2011
Gender Specs
Gender Stereotypes are a one of those topics that you cover in developmental psychology if you're going to be a teacher and then maybe in sociology or some specified psych class you have to take to meet gen ed requirements but otherwise most people just go with the whole boys are blue girls are pink, we hope they're married or using properly functioning protective measures when they make purple. There are all sorts of speculations about the effects of gender stereotyping, that's for the world to spend time discussing, I'm going to discuss how gender stereotyping effects boys and girls who live together as roommates who don't make purple.
I moved in with a boy and a girl in August. I share the bathroom with the boy. We are actually very good roommates when the issue of boys and girls making purple doesn't get into either of our minds. We take turns cleaning the bathroom, buying toilet paper and I wash the bath mat once a week with my white towels, good to go - until the boy roommate puts into effect his nine o'clock rule more than twice in a week. He had lady friends frequently having slumber parties in the fall. After more than one in a week I kind of started to panic because he was pink in the bathroom and I was green and oddly enough we had bought the same colored tooth brushes on accident so I went and got a new one. The arrangement was boy roommate pink toothbrush and pink loofa, ME green toothbrush and green loofa. I also in my bouts of searching for bliss while being broke spent a lot of money on hair products which - call it only child syndrome or OCD or Anal Retentive - I don't like to share these with random girls who I don't know much less have very little respect for without knowing them.
SO I take a moment to have a come to ME with the boy roommate. Here's how the convo goes down:
ME:"So you may think I'm a little crazy but I don't really care because I just need to know that the 9 o'clocks are made aware that you're pink and I'm green in the bathroom."
BR:"What in the world are you talking about?"
ME:"When your girls use OUR bathroom, do you tell them that you're pink and I'm green?"
BR:"Those girls aren't allowed to use the bathroom when they're here."
ME:"Ok well that's good, it kind of grosses me out to think that there are a bunch of random people using my bathroom, it's where I go to get clean. AND I know a girl, they're going to use the good stuff, not your head and shoulders."
BR:"You have nothing to worry about, they don't use your stuff."
Fastforward to March: BR has just bought a 4 pack of toothbrushes that are all different colors so that we won't buy the same toothbrush, literally the same one, for the third time. We now share toothpaste and shaving cream but he doesn't know about that one (shhh!) AND come to find out a freakin' loofa! I literally pitched a fit like a five year old. Holy grossness! What in the world, how did he miss this ME green You pink! Can you clorox your body?
I guess you can't really overcome gender stereotypes.
I moved in with a boy and a girl in August. I share the bathroom with the boy. We are actually very good roommates when the issue of boys and girls making purple doesn't get into either of our minds. We take turns cleaning the bathroom, buying toilet paper and I wash the bath mat once a week with my white towels, good to go - until the boy roommate puts into effect his nine o'clock rule more than twice in a week. He had lady friends frequently having slumber parties in the fall. After more than one in a week I kind of started to panic because he was pink in the bathroom and I was green and oddly enough we had bought the same colored tooth brushes on accident so I went and got a new one. The arrangement was boy roommate pink toothbrush and pink loofa, ME green toothbrush and green loofa. I also in my bouts of searching for bliss while being broke spent a lot of money on hair products which - call it only child syndrome or OCD or Anal Retentive - I don't like to share these with random girls who I don't know much less have very little respect for without knowing them.
SO I take a moment to have a come to ME with the boy roommate. Here's how the convo goes down:
ME:"So you may think I'm a little crazy but I don't really care because I just need to know that the 9 o'clocks are made aware that you're pink and I'm green in the bathroom."
BR:"What in the world are you talking about?"
ME:"When your girls use OUR bathroom, do you tell them that you're pink and I'm green?"
BR:"Those girls aren't allowed to use the bathroom when they're here."
ME:"Ok well that's good, it kind of grosses me out to think that there are a bunch of random people using my bathroom, it's where I go to get clean. AND I know a girl, they're going to use the good stuff, not your head and shoulders."
BR:"You have nothing to worry about, they don't use your stuff."
Fastforward to March: BR has just bought a 4 pack of toothbrushes that are all different colors so that we won't buy the same toothbrush, literally the same one, for the third time. We now share toothpaste and shaving cream but he doesn't know about that one (shhh!) AND come to find out a freakin' loofa! I literally pitched a fit like a five year old. Holy grossness! What in the world, how did he miss this ME green You pink! Can you clorox your body?
I guess you can't really overcome gender stereotypes.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Joy Journey
My Friday morning started with one of the sassiest super fantastic first graders in the world saying, "Miss Gahnuh, she a wild woman tuhday!" From a serious six year old, it doesn't get much cuter than that. It was one of those moments that is fleeting with my sweet babies and I can only hope to find a way to bottle up the powerful positive emotions of teaching that are blessed upon me one day to share with the world and take a swig of when my job seems like it is going to get the best of me!
I finished my Friday and bolted out of the parking lot to meet up with some faves to head to Hilton Head for the women's retreat with my church. The theme was fearless and I was quite stoked about it when I learned of it a few months ago. When I made my leap of faith to fly and see how far my wings could take me a few years ago, the Taylor Swift song "Fearless" was my anthem even though it had nothing to do with uprooting your life, moving half way across the country with what could fit in your car, no place to live, and not a soul in sight who I knew but the word just resonated so I rocked it!
When I got to HHI (probably my least favorite place, second only to MB in SC) I was exhausted. First off, I was late even though I tried to be on time so my sweet friends that I was riding with who are super punctual were super anxious - add me to the car who really doesn't like to talk to people except other teachers between the hours of 3-5 pm and we're ready to roll down the road! We were behind a horrible accident that stopped us on 17 for an hour or so after I took them the scenic route to avoid traffic, I had been sick for two weeks, I had/have ringworm (gross in itself even more gross that I now carry jock itch cream around with me in my purse and apply it to my shoulder daily!) and I'm an only child going to spend a weekend in a hotel room with four girls... Holy headache is what I'm thinking - nothing to do with the others more to do with my own personal space issues that have developed in my early twenties (post-traumatic childhood syndrome I think - that's a different blog for a different day!)!
The Lord showed mercy on his selfish servant (ME) in so many ways this weekend! The first was, we checked into our normal sized room with two double beds only to find that it had not yet been cleaned - suite upgrade, yes please! It was like the Lord new I needed mercy Motrin for this holy headache brewing in my brain! This among many other mercy motrins and beloved blessings were shared with me this weekend!
I try not to bring it home or share it because the world has enough heartbreak but as a first year teacher in a title-one school I have experienced a level of pain caused by the inhumanity of humanity for the past six months that I didn't think existed in the world. My reality is now splintered by a group of ten little babies whose lives are my purpose professionally and ultimately personally. My first prayer over the weekend was to be relieved of the heartbreak of my job. Through this, the message of being joyful as a fearless woman was revealed throughout the weekend. I called this post the "Joy Journey" because this is my goal to start living a joyful life among this strife. I'm not sure how it looks but I know that there are three guiding points that I am going to seek revelation from as this story unfolds.
1. There is a difference between a funny moment and a joyful life. My children make me laugh everyday but there is seems to remain a raincloud of weariness over my heart.
2. Psalm 47 was given to me as a verse, the lady wasn't sure why but she thought it may speak to my heart. I think it will play out on this journey.
1. Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy. 2. For the Lord Most High is awesome, the great King over all the earth. 3. He subdued nations under us, peoples under our feet. 4. He chose our inheritance for us, the pride of Jacob, whom he loved. 5. God has ascended amid shouts of joy, the Lord amid the sounding of trumpet. 6. Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises. 7. For God is the King of all the earth; sing to him a psalm of praise. 8. God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne. 9. The nobles of the nations assemble as the people of the God of Abraham, for the kings of the earth belong to God; he is greatly exalted.
3. I'm supposed to write it down.
So we will see how this joy journey unfolds...
I finished my Friday and bolted out of the parking lot to meet up with some faves to head to Hilton Head for the women's retreat with my church. The theme was fearless and I was quite stoked about it when I learned of it a few months ago. When I made my leap of faith to fly and see how far my wings could take me a few years ago, the Taylor Swift song "Fearless" was my anthem even though it had nothing to do with uprooting your life, moving half way across the country with what could fit in your car, no place to live, and not a soul in sight who I knew but the word just resonated so I rocked it!
When I got to HHI (probably my least favorite place, second only to MB in SC) I was exhausted. First off, I was late even though I tried to be on time so my sweet friends that I was riding with who are super punctual were super anxious - add me to the car who really doesn't like to talk to people except other teachers between the hours of 3-5 pm and we're ready to roll down the road! We were behind a horrible accident that stopped us on 17 for an hour or so after I took them the scenic route to avoid traffic, I had been sick for two weeks, I had/have ringworm (gross in itself even more gross that I now carry jock itch cream around with me in my purse and apply it to my shoulder daily!) and I'm an only child going to spend a weekend in a hotel room with four girls... Holy headache is what I'm thinking - nothing to do with the others more to do with my own personal space issues that have developed in my early twenties (post-traumatic childhood syndrome I think - that's a different blog for a different day!)!
The Lord showed mercy on his selfish servant (ME) in so many ways this weekend! The first was, we checked into our normal sized room with two double beds only to find that it had not yet been cleaned - suite upgrade, yes please! It was like the Lord new I needed mercy Motrin for this holy headache brewing in my brain! This among many other mercy motrins and beloved blessings were shared with me this weekend!
I try not to bring it home or share it because the world has enough heartbreak but as a first year teacher in a title-one school I have experienced a level of pain caused by the inhumanity of humanity for the past six months that I didn't think existed in the world. My reality is now splintered by a group of ten little babies whose lives are my purpose professionally and ultimately personally. My first prayer over the weekend was to be relieved of the heartbreak of my job. Through this, the message of being joyful as a fearless woman was revealed throughout the weekend. I called this post the "Joy Journey" because this is my goal to start living a joyful life among this strife. I'm not sure how it looks but I know that there are three guiding points that I am going to seek revelation from as this story unfolds.
1. There is a difference between a funny moment and a joyful life. My children make me laugh everyday but there is seems to remain a raincloud of weariness over my heart.
2. Psalm 47 was given to me as a verse, the lady wasn't sure why but she thought it may speak to my heart. I think it will play out on this journey.
1. Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy. 2. For the Lord Most High is awesome, the great King over all the earth. 3. He subdued nations under us, peoples under our feet. 4. He chose our inheritance for us, the pride of Jacob, whom he loved. 5. God has ascended amid shouts of joy, the Lord amid the sounding of trumpet. 6. Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises. 7. For God is the King of all the earth; sing to him a psalm of praise. 8. God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne. 9. The nobles of the nations assemble as the people of the God of Abraham, for the kings of the earth belong to God; he is greatly exalted.
3. I'm supposed to write it down.
So we will see how this joy journey unfolds...
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Pregnancy parables
I am 25. Single and living with roommates, not where I thought I'd be in life as I discussed with one of my roommates last night BUT I'm pleasantly comfortable with my "situation." I am faithful and don't believe that I will forever be the bridesmaid and never the bride though if I ever have a chance to be on camera I could probably do a jam up job to a sequel of 27 Dresses, be best supporting actress in Bridezillas, and/or do a pretty good spoof on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" titled "My Large Southern Lebanese Wedding."
I've got the wedding thing down and still have years to go before my springs will be mine again. I've gotten to the point now with weddings that I'm sometimes sad when they're over - call me crazy but you spend a year with people who you never get to see again after the knot is tied. I decided that wedding traditions should be amended, near their first anniversary, all couples should throw a reunion party just to thank everyone for dealing with them during their wedding and so you can see that hot groomsman who walked you down the aisle in case he broke up with his girlfriend over the past year! I'm just sayin'!
So now that the wedding thing is down, I'm starting to learn about the baby thing. It seems to me that all pregnant women ever say to me is, "Nobody tells you this about pregnancy!" We all get the big boobs and bellies, the weird cravings, the pea size bladder because we see it with our own eyes. No one tells you about the hidden, behind the scenes pregnancy part that happens when you go to the hospital. I am just now able to really talk about it, my friends asked me to be in the room during the birth of their baby. Now, you hear stories but let me tell you this when I have a baby it will be like the movies. There will be a sheet up and my husband will not go on the other side of it. No cameras will be present until the child is cleaned up and in my arms and there will be no residents or medical students doing hands on learning that day likely no observations either! I'm not going to tell you what I learned about pregnancy because you might not need to know but I will tell you, when a pregnant woman tells you a story you should consider it a parable - there is a hidden message in her words!
I've got the wedding thing down and still have years to go before my springs will be mine again. I've gotten to the point now with weddings that I'm sometimes sad when they're over - call me crazy but you spend a year with people who you never get to see again after the knot is tied. I decided that wedding traditions should be amended, near their first anniversary, all couples should throw a reunion party just to thank everyone for dealing with them during their wedding and so you can see that hot groomsman who walked you down the aisle in case he broke up with his girlfriend over the past year! I'm just sayin'!
So now that the wedding thing is down, I'm starting to learn about the baby thing. It seems to me that all pregnant women ever say to me is, "Nobody tells you this about pregnancy!" We all get the big boobs and bellies, the weird cravings, the pea size bladder because we see it with our own eyes. No one tells you about the hidden, behind the scenes pregnancy part that happens when you go to the hospital. I am just now able to really talk about it, my friends asked me to be in the room during the birth of their baby. Now, you hear stories but let me tell you this when I have a baby it will be like the movies. There will be a sheet up and my husband will not go on the other side of it. No cameras will be present until the child is cleaned up and in my arms and there will be no residents or medical students doing hands on learning that day likely no observations either! I'm not going to tell you what I learned about pregnancy because you might not need to know but I will tell you, when a pregnant woman tells you a story you should consider it a parable - there is a hidden message in her words!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Spoon Day
So this post must be prefaced with a few disclaimers. The first being that my kids mourne the loss of M.J. as they call him (Michael Jackson) on a daily basis and think that the only president this country has ever had is Barack Obama and that he will be the last one that we ever have - pray that their beliefs are not prophetic or all that our forefathers have fought for and tried to establish throughout the war is going to be in vain!
The other important belief that some of my children hold is that I am not white. I'm not really sure what color they think I am though I've been told that I am the vanilla icing on top of their chocolate cupcake but maybe the white/black idea and all that it really is in our world hasn't quite cast its shadow on their's.
So this is how MLK Day went in first grade for us:
We read a book about his life and talked about all of the changes he made for the world and how he made them. They wrote him "Thank you" notes many of which were very heartfelt and beyond their years. One student wrote: "Dear Dr. Martin, Your dreams have come true in our country. Thank you for making our world a better place." Really touched my heart, one of those teaching moments where you forget about how much money you don't make and realize that some moments in life really are priceless. And then we watched the movie clips on his life this afternoon and I realized that maybe I need to challenge my students a bit more in their learning.
The following is the narration of this 15 minutes:
Me pointing out big words like prejudice, peace, protest. Important moments in his life: when he couldn't play with his white friend anymore, going to college, defending Rosa Parks, etc.
During the childhood scene, I ask, "What does Martin Luther King look like?" to which I get the response, "He got big teeth." I decided not to press this answer and made sure they were paying attention to the movie so that I could turn my back and laugh... no mention of skin color which is the obvious for my older apparently jaded teacher self.
During the adolescent clip when they were highlighting the importance of church, family, and Sunday supper in Martin's life (I'm not making the last comma up), the same child who answered the above question raises her hand to ask a serious question and asks, "How come he could only get one piece of chicken?" True story, that was all she noticed.
In our class we give our friends the nickname of "Spoon." Good spoons spread peace (we added love today after learning about Dr. King fighting hate with love) and bad spoons stir up trouble. So we discussed how we could be like MLK and how he inspires us to be good spoons. I asked a student from next door who was in my room for think time (aka: my teacher can't take me anymore time) if she would want to be like MLK. She quickly responded, "No!" So I asked again and told her to think about the conversation that we had just had about all of the changes that MLK made through peace and love. She again responded "No!" emphatically followed by a very strong statement "I don't want to die like that!" Fair enough, I decided that I couldn't top that and it was 2:35 time to pack up and go home, hopefully they were allowed more than one piece of chicken for supper tonight!
Happy Spoon Day! Spread peace and love, don't stir up trouble!
The other important belief that some of my children hold is that I am not white. I'm not really sure what color they think I am though I've been told that I am the vanilla icing on top of their chocolate cupcake but maybe the white/black idea and all that it really is in our world hasn't quite cast its shadow on their's.
So this is how MLK Day went in first grade for us:
We read a book about his life and talked about all of the changes he made for the world and how he made them. They wrote him "Thank you" notes many of which were very heartfelt and beyond their years. One student wrote: "Dear Dr. Martin, Your dreams have come true in our country. Thank you for making our world a better place." Really touched my heart, one of those teaching moments where you forget about how much money you don't make and realize that some moments in life really are priceless. And then we watched the movie clips on his life this afternoon and I realized that maybe I need to challenge my students a bit more in their learning.
The following is the narration of this 15 minutes:
Me pointing out big words like prejudice, peace, protest. Important moments in his life: when he couldn't play with his white friend anymore, going to college, defending Rosa Parks, etc.
During the childhood scene, I ask, "What does Martin Luther King look like?" to which I get the response, "He got big teeth." I decided not to press this answer and made sure they were paying attention to the movie so that I could turn my back and laugh... no mention of skin color which is the obvious for my older apparently jaded teacher self.
During the adolescent clip when they were highlighting the importance of church, family, and Sunday supper in Martin's life (I'm not making the last comma up), the same child who answered the above question raises her hand to ask a serious question and asks, "How come he could only get one piece of chicken?" True story, that was all she noticed.
In our class we give our friends the nickname of "Spoon." Good spoons spread peace (we added love today after learning about Dr. King fighting hate with love) and bad spoons stir up trouble. So we discussed how we could be like MLK and how he inspires us to be good spoons. I asked a student from next door who was in my room for think time (aka: my teacher can't take me anymore time) if she would want to be like MLK. She quickly responded, "No!" So I asked again and told her to think about the conversation that we had just had about all of the changes that MLK made through peace and love. She again responded "No!" emphatically followed by a very strong statement "I don't want to die like that!" Fair enough, I decided that I couldn't top that and it was 2:35 time to pack up and go home, hopefully they were allowed more than one piece of chicken for supper tonight!
Happy Spoon Day! Spread peace and love, don't stir up trouble!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Finding a little slice of heaven in 2011
Most people have New Year's resolutions, they are typical and expected and often quickly forgotten or neglected. In years past, I have made lists and promises and put all the enthusiastic effort a girl could into these annual amends but the bullet points are the ones that have faded fast.
When I turned 21, I was dating this boy, we couldn't have been more different. Years later, I think he's finally gone, though he has a tendency to pop up so who really knows. I realized a lot about myself when I was with him, but most of all that I was doing this life thing on the terms of others and not my own. I lost a lot of friends, stood up to my mother and my family. We broke up sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that New Years I made a resolution to just start living, to quit waiting on life to happen to me. My plan was to start checking off my bucket list instead of adding to it though I wasn't really sure how I was going to accomplish some of the things that I'd said I wanted to do. Turns out that mustard seed parable holds some hefty truth and over the years I have been challenged to learn that faith cannot exist in the same heart as fear. But faith the size of a mustard seed is truly stronger than a life full of fear!
Sometime in the spring of that new year my momma and I were talking and I told her that I was tired of saying "I wish I would..." or "One day I'll..." I remembered my resolution just in time to hear a girl talking about going to work on a ranch in Montana for the summer. Two weeks later, I was on a plane to Durango, Colorado. I wore jeans and boots and most days a cowboy hat with a western-style pearl snap shirt for two and a half months! I met people from all of the world that summer. Week by week my world grew as I rode through the Rockies.
The next year my resolution was to break all of the rules that I had set for myself that were supposed to keep me safe and sane but really just made me uptight and uppity - what a womp! So, I broke the rules and got my heart broken but we danced on the beach under the moonlight at 2 am among those other romantic things that are typically only seen on the movies. I think that quote from Steele Magnolias sums that one up, "I'd rather have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Turns out love like that wraps up just like the movies but damn it was good while it lasted! Big items on the bucket list checked off that year: I saw Lake Eerie when I went to Cleveland, Ohio - something I said I'd never do - and put my feet in the water. I also swam in the Gulf of Mexico when I spent two weeks in Naples, Florida with the same family that took me to Cleveland. Can you believe that people actually pay $25,000 a year to be a part of a beach club that you have to make reservations for that is only a 100-yard stretch of sand? But the water was a beautiful shade of blue and again, it was a bucket list moment. Thank you for helping me scratch off my bucket list items, _____ Family, I'm sorry I really couldn't stand your Charlie and the Chocolate Factory entitled eight year old but I still miss your little ones, they will forever be my twinkling stars.
The next year my goal was to be fearless - Thank you Taylor Swift! Even though your song was about a date and a boy, neither of which really happened in that year for me, I made it mine and I jumped head first into my bucket list. I officially left the Catholic church and joined my wonderful Episcopalian, now Anglican church. Though I miss worshiping with my family, I have found a community in Christ that challenges me and nurtures ME and whose people are truly full of grace. Two weeks later, in a matter of four days, I made a decision and moved. I packed what I could in my car and drove half way across the country to go to graduate school. I had nowhere to live and knew not a soul in Oxford but I made a home there and fabulous friends and fake family that I love dearly! So, I say just jump, if you fall, you can always pick yourself back up and if you fly, your eyes will always be looking up waiting for the next time your wings can take flight!
The next year I decided was my year to make a name for myself, to be the absolute best at what I did. I was tired of being behind stage so I took center-stage. I earned top honors from Ole Miss for my grades, though I didn't pay the $70.00 to wear the cords around my neck for graduation and have the extra line printed next to my name in the program. I was recognized as the top student in my program and received the award for most distinguished student and got to walk across the stage first at graduation for the School of Education. For my work in the graduate school I was chosen as an SEC spotlight student. I was one of ten nominees from Ole Miss to be a presidential fellow, none of us were chosen and very few in general from the south were, almost all were PhD's and attorneys but I was among the nominees. And finally one of my sweet co-workers nominated me as Teacher of the Year, I couldn't compete because I am a first year teacher but it is always an honor to be recognized and respected by your peers. I rocked it last year, I really did and I learned how to be proud of myself. Major Bucket list items checked off in this year: live in a college town, live alone, go to a football school, ski in the Rockies, see Lake Michigan!
This year, I'm still working out my resolutions but I think they're going to focus on finding my little piece of heaven in 2011. Peace and love with a little spice for me in this life!
When I turned 21, I was dating this boy, we couldn't have been more different. Years later, I think he's finally gone, though he has a tendency to pop up so who really knows. I realized a lot about myself when I was with him, but most of all that I was doing this life thing on the terms of others and not my own. I lost a lot of friends, stood up to my mother and my family. We broke up sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that New Years I made a resolution to just start living, to quit waiting on life to happen to me. My plan was to start checking off my bucket list instead of adding to it though I wasn't really sure how I was going to accomplish some of the things that I'd said I wanted to do. Turns out that mustard seed parable holds some hefty truth and over the years I have been challenged to learn that faith cannot exist in the same heart as fear. But faith the size of a mustard seed is truly stronger than a life full of fear!
Sometime in the spring of that new year my momma and I were talking and I told her that I was tired of saying "I wish I would..." or "One day I'll..." I remembered my resolution just in time to hear a girl talking about going to work on a ranch in Montana for the summer. Two weeks later, I was on a plane to Durango, Colorado. I wore jeans and boots and most days a cowboy hat with a western-style pearl snap shirt for two and a half months! I met people from all of the world that summer. Week by week my world grew as I rode through the Rockies.
The next year my resolution was to break all of the rules that I had set for myself that were supposed to keep me safe and sane but really just made me uptight and uppity - what a womp! So, I broke the rules and got my heart broken but we danced on the beach under the moonlight at 2 am among those other romantic things that are typically only seen on the movies. I think that quote from Steele Magnolias sums that one up, "I'd rather have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Turns out love like that wraps up just like the movies but damn it was good while it lasted! Big items on the bucket list checked off that year: I saw Lake Eerie when I went to Cleveland, Ohio - something I said I'd never do - and put my feet in the water. I also swam in the Gulf of Mexico when I spent two weeks in Naples, Florida with the same family that took me to Cleveland. Can you believe that people actually pay $25,000 a year to be a part of a beach club that you have to make reservations for that is only a 100-yard stretch of sand? But the water was a beautiful shade of blue and again, it was a bucket list moment. Thank you for helping me scratch off my bucket list items, _____ Family, I'm sorry I really couldn't stand your Charlie and the Chocolate Factory entitled eight year old but I still miss your little ones, they will forever be my twinkling stars.
The next year my goal was to be fearless - Thank you Taylor Swift! Even though your song was about a date and a boy, neither of which really happened in that year for me, I made it mine and I jumped head first into my bucket list. I officially left the Catholic church and joined my wonderful Episcopalian, now Anglican church. Though I miss worshiping with my family, I have found a community in Christ that challenges me and nurtures ME and whose people are truly full of grace. Two weeks later, in a matter of four days, I made a decision and moved. I packed what I could in my car and drove half way across the country to go to graduate school. I had nowhere to live and knew not a soul in Oxford but I made a home there and fabulous friends and fake family that I love dearly! So, I say just jump, if you fall, you can always pick yourself back up and if you fly, your eyes will always be looking up waiting for the next time your wings can take flight!
The next year I decided was my year to make a name for myself, to be the absolute best at what I did. I was tired of being behind stage so I took center-stage. I earned top honors from Ole Miss for my grades, though I didn't pay the $70.00 to wear the cords around my neck for graduation and have the extra line printed next to my name in the program. I was recognized as the top student in my program and received the award for most distinguished student and got to walk across the stage first at graduation for the School of Education. For my work in the graduate school I was chosen as an SEC spotlight student. I was one of ten nominees from Ole Miss to be a presidential fellow, none of us were chosen and very few in general from the south were, almost all were PhD's and attorneys but I was among the nominees. And finally one of my sweet co-workers nominated me as Teacher of the Year, I couldn't compete because I am a first year teacher but it is always an honor to be recognized and respected by your peers. I rocked it last year, I really did and I learned how to be proud of myself. Major Bucket list items checked off in this year: live in a college town, live alone, go to a football school, ski in the Rockies, see Lake Michigan!
This year, I'm still working out my resolutions but I think they're going to focus on finding my little piece of heaven in 2011. Peace and love with a little spice for me in this life!
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