The Weight of the Matter

I was a gluttonous girl this weekend in all sense of the word.  I literally ate and slept, it was needed, I have no guilt but my choices this weekend only served to highlight the seriousness of my little brother's (he's a fake little brother, not blood just a sweet bond) starvation.  Now, everyone in my world knows that I love good food.  I like to cook good food, eat good food, buy good food, read about good food, dream about good food, discover good food - it's one of the finer things in my life.  These extra twenty pounds were worth the twenty dollars I spent on good food, until I go bathing suit shopping of course and then there's twenty other excuses why I just can't control these extra curves. 

My little brother has been starving himself for three days to make weight for wrestling.  How sick is that.  Now I am no good at the starvation thing to begin with but there is a serious problem with this.  There are adults in his world encouraging him to starve himself so that he can participate in a sporting event.  This is as heinous to me as girls starving themselves to fit into clothes that are made in 36 sizes, not that I'm encouraging obesity.  He won't eat anything, he won't drink water, he is depressed and hardly talks.  This logic may be as demented as adults shaping young teens minds by instilling in them that athletics is more important than their health BUT considering the barbaric nature of wrestling, as a coach, wouldn't you want your players or minions or whatever the boys in monkey suits are called in that satanic sport to be well-rested and full of energy and strength during their match?  Or maybe they make them starve themselves to reach a weight that is medically noted as severe so that the boys are demonically pissed off and foaming at the mouth when they get in the ring?  Either way, I refuse to support Z in this sport due to the weight of the matter at hand in addition to the fact that I think their suits are utterly unsuitable for anyone to wear!

Russian Spy

So my boy roommate claims that I am a Russian spy, IF ONLY I could be so covert. According to him, I have 15 names and call everyone my family to cover up my true identity. This accusation from my roommate follows a conversation I had with one of my students and her cousin last weekend. The girls were in my car while I ran into the house to get my keys. When I got back into the car, one of the girls said, "Quoia, tell her! Tell her!" My dog was sitting between them in the car, I was really nervous because sometimes when he sits his lipstick pops out. I was mentally preparing for them to tell me about my dog but the following conversation occurred:

Quoia: "Miss Garner, you is white?"
Me: "What do you think?"
Quoia: "Nope!"

The funniest part to me is that I spend 8 hours a day with Quoia and I now see boy roommate nearly everyday, to the people that I physically see most regularly I am a black Russian spy, but don't worry, your secrets are safe with me!

Going Grinch

So I'm making another post. I have a good one about the boy roommate but I'm going with this one because we were talking about blogs tonight at a holiday party.

I have determined that nice doesn't really get you that far in life. I am the nice one. I've been the nice girl my whole life. In seventh grade, all of the boys loved me but just as the nice girl. One boy, who I should probably punch in the face the next time I see him - if I ever do, told me on more than one occasion that I was ugly but that I was nice and therefore a favorite. In high school and college, the boys told me that I was so nice and sweet that they wanted to marry me but not date me. So there's the boy situation and then there were the girls. In Bible study the girls would want to sit next to me because I was the nice one who would actually write the little, jazzed up "I'm praying for you, here's a legit verse" note and give it to them in the courtyard between classes. The ones who weren't laying all of their life burdens at the foot of the cross openly were laying them at the foot of the cross via ME's telephone calls at all hours of the night and day. They got comfort and love and I got nightmares during what little sleep I got - that is a negative equation, right?

So, here's where nice has gotten me after college. I have six extra keys to houses that I do not habitate (I think I just made a word up) but thankfully some of them are colorful so we'll just call my keys a permanent accessory. I am a first year teacher so after years of sending sursies for no reason, remembering birthdays and investing (not buying) into every Hallmark created holiday on the calendar I am now eating the guilt for being a forgetful and unattentive friend. And then came the holidays... four tacky Christmas sweater parties in two weeks is excessive even for the people who start listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving (a mortal American sin in my book). So now I am popping in and out of houses, homes, and habitats all over Charleston County in the jankiest, jolly sweater my two first grade friends and I could find. I spent $20.00 on it but I have to wear it four times, that's getting your money's worth right?

So I think I'm going grinch, I'm not spreading my nice so thin anymore. Watch out world, ME's going from tossing out nice nuggets to stashing them like a squirrel for cold, rainy days so if you see me with chipmunk cheeks don't make me laugh you might end up covered in NICE!

Co-ed co-habitation

In my new house on the sweet island of Johns just south of Charleston, I live with Susan, a 4th grade teacher at one of the private schools downtown and Jay, an electrical contractor. I don't mind living with a boy, he's very nice and agreeable and of course, he can fix things - ah-mazing! We chat and say hello and he says that if I need for him to do something, like clean the bathroom, all I have to do is ask! My poor husband, my roommate is going to spoil me! So life is grand with the boy roommate UNTIL I had to go to the bathroom - like you know THE bathroom! I know that everyone does it and it's a life function and yada but I don't really think I want this kind of stranger that I have to see everyday to know that I have to do that and furthermore, WHEN I am doing that. EEK!

So I tried to cover it up, which probably made it worse but it made me feel better. It wouldn't really be an issue except for his door is right next to my door which is right next to the bathroom door so we know when the other person is in there and for how long. In my effort to cover this up, I washed my and teeth twice and put my hair up - now he probably thinks I am a priss. I don't know which is worse!

Deep Breaths

I am back in the lowcountry after quite the month of sweating life out. My best friend/sister from another mother likes to laugh about how the state of affairs in my life is so drawn out. I am not one of those people that gets to pray for something and it is immediately revealed nor am I the person that can make a plan and have it play out exactly how I planned. The Lord likes to make me sweat it out literally down to the minute.

I say deep breaths because I had to take a lot of them over the course of settling down. I am technically back home but not so much I have found my sweet place in SC it reminds me so of Oxford. I drive over the bridge to work everyday and the landscape takes my breath away and I ask myself, "What did I do to deserve to behold this beauty everyday?" I have always loved the lowcountry and they say that once you have the sand in your shoes you will never leave and thus I have returned. I am a lowcountry girl at heart, my life is going to ebb and flow like the tides there are going to be ups and downs for me forever. I will never have the perfect life here, that I have come to believe will only happen when I am with my Maker and all of those that I love. My heart is forever going to be missing something or someone but that is what makes me so alive! I can honestly say that I have lived and loved - I don't think I've met my one true love but I have loved and been loved by many and despite my anxiety and concerns I know that wherever I go I will be loved!

Chicago Shenanigans

I want to apologize for not writing for so long but I think that this is just going to be the life of this blog! So over a month ago now, eeeeeeek!!!!!!!, I went to Chicago. I didn't get the "I want to move here make a life here" feeling but I got the "I would love to come here for business trips," ah hem I am likely going to be a teacher which means that I will probably never go on "business trips" but maybe who knows with the current state of affairs in my life!



My thought to share about my trip that was overwhelmingly pervasive because of many things was how do people perceive each other and what determines what people think of us? Kind of deep I know but here's how it all played out...



1. Visit to the Art Institute. I'm not a huge museum person without a tour because I want to know what I'm looking at. This came about when I went to Europe and everything was stunning and beautiful but I got bored- all of you art enthusiasts don't gasp or judge! because I felt like I was looking at one scantily clad cherubim after another and there are only so many portraits I can pause for. I took an art history course later in the same summer and was totally bummed I was a day late on this one, after that course I understood the intricate details of color palette and stroke technique and why people painted and sculpted and drew the things they did when they did. Back to Chicago, my friend Sarah is from a suburb of Chicago, two of her childhood friends have close ties to the Art Institute, one is a student there and the other was a project manager for the construction of the new wing. I got an art and architecture tour, ah-mazing! The new wing is architecturally clean cut and simple upon first glance but what most don't see is the dramatic detail seamed through the beams, floorboards, walls, and windows. Every seam in the floorboard is directly aligned with every joint, beam, window, door, wall, banister. That detail was what was most thrilling to me though the use of natural light and other elements were equally as admirable. The craftsmanship and precision involved in the construction of that building are unmatched by any on its scale and thousands of people walk through daily with no notice of this aspect of artistry housed in the museum.

This was the kicker that really made me think, in all of our art classes we saw Georgia O'Keefe's flower. The flower print is everywhere, it is what the world knows her as but that is not all of her work. There is so much more that she has produced that is beautiful and worth admiring but all we know her as is this one huge rendition of a bright colored flower.

So my thoughts are how sad that she is so much more than one picture, she is thousands but somehow the world only really knows and/or recognizes her for one look. But is it the way of the world to brand people and things in this way and are we as people guilty of accepting this one view?

Crap that was so Oprah-esque, fitting being that I was in Chicago thinking this. But on a last note, I'm not a hater but I'm not a lover of Chicago pizza...

March Madness - the ME way

So sorry it has literally been months-ish since I have updated but I was depressing myself those last few blogs and figured it was better to keep my negative juju off of the viral internet so as not infect anyone else. But the sun is shining, the temperature is climbing, the skies are blue, the flowers are blooming and I need a super-woman cape to keep up with myself but I feel like it's time to write!

February- we'll call my only child month. Didn't really want to talk to/see/interact with anyone. Seasonal depression, post-holiday healing, or really just needing some space. I have come to realize that I haven't really changed my core habits all that much since I was a child. I am still very social, take on more than I can handle then take a break and then take on a different set of more than I can handle, make time for anyone and everyone that needs it or that I think needs it (learning the difference on these two!), and my need for space.

When I was younger everyone thought that I had it all together, that I loved life and wore jeans and a t-shirt with a ponytail all of the time because I just loved that look - not so! I was able to keep it all together on the outside in public because I could go home and fall apart and no one would know (only child of a single parent!). Sure I ranted and complained about life like most teenagers but I typically put a smile on and found words to speak that made it seem like I believed it was all going to work out! I wore t-shirts and jeans for two reasons 1. I wasn't lavished with shopping trips and those things were cheap and 2. if I got attention from someone I really didn't know what to do with it and always convinced myself that if they saw through it my cover would be blown. There was no way that I could let them into my messy world and have them find out that the girl that held everyone else together was a wreck herself. So I hid behind careless clothes because I didn't know what to do with myself, just everyone else (jokes on me!). I stayed active and involved but I always knew so much more about everyone else than anyone knew about me and this kept me safe too.

Ha - enter roommates, you can't hide from 6 multiplied to 8 so I learned to cry in front of people and share my true thoughts - the good, the bad, the ugly, the ignorant, the hillarious you name it I spewed it my filter flew off somewhere on I-26 and never got replaced. I was abundantly educated on the ways of the world in those two years of patio/porch sitting. I learned about true friendships and vulnerability and all of those fabulous things that come from finally living in a family-ish setup. God bless those lovely Carolina girls for many reasons but what a hell of a two years that was! We all had our skeletons come tumbling out of the closet at one point or another. Mine was that I didn't have it all together, that I was eaten up with anxiety and panic disorders, and that I had no clue about how the hell to survive in this big world much less how to help someone else get through it! SO I went from one extreme to another from nobody knowing anything to people knowing everything! I don't recommend it, for those of you that become mothers/fathers I know that our's did the best they could but when it's your turn to be a parent do better than your best, your children will need it - put the time in so you can save your children the time of figuring it all out on their own or with the help of a very expensive counselor or learning the wrong way from the wrong people who prey on vulnerable, young people! REMIND me to read this entry when I become a parent!

So now I'm balancing it out or trying to. I'm still going to care too much about people who may or may not want me too. I'm going to give what I can, when I can whether it's time or money or clothes or a ride or tutoring or whatever need presents itself. I'll probably continue the cycle of taking on way too much at one time and falling apart internally and sometimes externally because there are only so many hours in a day and I have no concept of time and then I'll put myself back together and take on a whole new set of way too much! I won't wear makeup and do my hair everyday because I would rather do something else with that time and really I know he's out there but I still haven't convinced myself that I need to be dressed to meet him every single time I leave my house - ok not even half the time I leave my house but I'm working on it, that may be next year's New Year's resolution - I hope I won't be dried up by 25! But I'm learning to ask for help and to be honest to myself and others about what I can do and can't do. I'm learning to tell people that sometimes I just have no clue and that I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I've learned to tell people that I love them and have the words mean so much that I don't have to do anything else to show my love. I'm running and trying to eat right and not smoke and not drink coke and all of the things that will help me be a more physically beautiful me. I'm learning to replace doubt with faith and confusion with certainty. I'm learning to honor the past for what it was while recognizing it for what it is... the PAST!

Unfortunately with all of this growing into myself, there are just some baby fat rolls and a little baby budha belly that I just can't kick. I can be critical and this can be hurtful to myself and others. I can be judgemental, sometimes this comes from insecurity and sometimes it comes from a solid understanding of certain aspects of this life and the way we all live it. I have really high expectations of the people in my life because of how deeply I care and love them and because I want the rest of the world to see them as I do, in the most blessed light of unconditional love but that doesn't mean that they need to meet them or that I can't love them or have them in my life if they don't. Somtimes my insecurities and lack of confidence wear me down into an emptiness that just needs to be brought back into fullness. Sometimes the hurt caused by others and the decisions of others that affect my life directly and indirectly render me sad and even heartbroken.

With those roaring cats out of the bag, sometimes it's just best if I take some only child time and save the world from exposure to my ultraviolet negative characteristics so that my ultraviolet positive ones can radiate even stronger when they're out!